Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   [a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok [a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event "Come Outside"] what tha

   being an atheist must be hard. whenever someone is sad you can never tell them ‘God has a plan’ you have to come up with a logical reason

   News flash, ladies. Men are settling for you, too.

   My neighbor put the box his new fridge came in on the curb this morning for recycling pickup. Guess who has a new fort.

   The lady seated next to me on the plane started to freak when she realised I was Pakistani, I laughed so hard my grenades nearly fell out of my pockets

   Conspiracy Theory #237 - The Easter bunny and the tooth fairy are secretly working together.

   Exercise, eat right, get good sleep, take your vitamins...die anyway.

   Its safe to visit my FB page friends. That smell is now gone.

   German feminine hygiene products are called Hercrotchastinkin.

   I told my kids that if they are old enough to fertilize eggs, we aren't going to color eggs for easter.

   The good thing about Facebook is if someone gets on your nerves enough, you can make them cease to exist in your world and you don't even have to hide a body.

   Hugs that turn into sex? Where do I get those? Mine always turn into "Let me go or I'm calling the police."

   "Wanna have phone sex?" "No, I'm on Virgin Mobile."

   "You swallow 8 spiders a night" I repeat to myself over and over looking for more. I have only consumed 5. It's 4am. Dawn will break soon.

   Hold on I'm about to count my money. Alright I'm done.

   Women think that if their man jacks off more, she won't have to have sex as often. Sorry ladies, that's not how it works.

   If you love someone, keep drinking

   Another successful Lent season accomplished by vowing not to eat healthy food for 40 days. Think I'll keep it going.

   You know the difference between Martha Stewart and Snoop Dogg? Martha Stewart is a convicted felon.

   Men look at a woman’s behind and think “Wow! What an @zz.” Women look at a man’s face and think the very same thing.