Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wonder if Brad Pitt gets sad on Christmas when one of his kids asks what's in the box

   It's gonna ba Manny Vs Money tonight....

   I bet I can hold my breath longer than you. In fact, I bet you can't hold my breath at all.

   The Earth revolves around the Sun at a speed of 18.5 miles/sec and spins on its axis at 1,040 mph. So yeah, I got some exercise today.

   Me, to wife: "I don't need a shopping list, I can remember." * Returns from grocery store with portrait of Abe Vigoda and a yak. *

   According to Monster.com there is a ton of openings in the Baltimore department tourism.

   She lost me at,"Mayweather."

   What did God say when he caught Eve swimming in the river?...I ain't never gonna get the smell out of them fish!

   Not every trophy wife is first place...

   The saying goes "If you can't say anything nice, then don't say anything at all."....Well I guess today will be another silent day for me.

   Everyone is watching the fight tonight, and I'm over here loading Rocky into the DVD player a $100 richer #winning

   "Hey, no budging in line" - Prince Harry

   Personal log: "We are not even close."... *-Romans building Rome, end of day 1

   Could you just make my paycheck out to the liquor store? Thanks.

   Let's see if Bruce Jenner remains a Republican once he starts making 77 cents on the dollar.

   Kanye West thinks he will win the fight between pacman and Mayweather

   Who wants to see a picture of my toasted bagel with cream cheese. . .

   Never trust a girl who has her own face set as the background of her phone.

   I just wish the automatic paper towel dispensers were half as sensitive as the automatic flushers.

   Kanye West only accepted the role of Santa Claus after the director agreed to change the script so that the kids all asked him what he wanted for Christmas.