Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   According to this profuse bleeding from the roof of my mouth, I should have stopped at one bowl of Captain Crunch.

   All I'm saying is that Schwarzenegger isn't the only one who woke up naked next to a dumpster in 1984.

   "This just doesn't feel right" - me outside

   Hey Victoria's Secret, I like to keep my panty selection private so if your cashiers wouldn't hold them up like Simba when folding them, that'd be great.

   Career goal: Being successful enough to add bacon to my burger without asking how much more it costs.

   Went gluten free recently and I'm proud to say that after only 2 weeks, I'm already down 15 friends.

   The grammy aint for b lacks. You got BET and Soul Train Awards.

   Did Kanye really just tell a dude who can play like 14 instruments that he should give his Grammy to a woman who needs 4 writers for one song?

   Its probably safe to just start calling him "LL J"

   Can we just stop inventing new stuff until we can figure out how to put a GOD DAMNED 'LOCATE MY REMOTE' button on the cable box?

   I'd tell you to go to Hell, but that just means I'd have to see you again.

   FOR THOSE ABOUT TO ROCK!!!!!!!! consider paper, or scissors if the second throw.

   My 4 year old refers to the solar system as, "God's Balls". Google THAT science....

   Hey look, a pay phone!!!!! *adds 'archeologist' to resume*

   Its okay password, I'm insecure too.

   Show me in the employee handbook where it says I have to like you. Go on, I'll wait.

   Don't worry Kanye, Stephen Hawking sings with autotune too.

   I am at my most hostage negotiator when I see my 3 year old with a permanent marker without a lid.

   The hashtag is defintley the most important technological advancement to have been ruined by 13 year old girls.

   To hell with all this snow. I woke up this morning and beat the fugk out of the snow man in my neighbors front yard. . .