Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   BREAKING NEWS: Handsome rich man from New England forced to take 4 week vacation with Super Model Wife...Nations Weep...

   This airline stewardess is pretty excited that we are all paying attention while she shows us how to fasten a seat belt, but I am pretty sure we are all just thinking about banging her.

   Bill Belichick will still list Brady as "questionable" on the injury report for the first 4 games of next season.

   With summer in full swing and Father's Day just 41 days away, CVS in Baltimore has all of your sunscreen and Father's Day card needs covered.

   A friend who just returned from a visit to the recently looted CVS in Baltimore said all that was left in the entire store was suntan lotion and Father's Day cards...

   What's it like to be married? Ever just wish that oncoming trailor truck would just cross that yellow line just a little when she's driving alone and not paying attention?

   If I ever sound inspriational, one of us is drunk.

   My girlfriends dad asked me what I do. Apparently, "your daughter" wasn't the right answer.

   [Two sharks on work lunch breaks] "Ugh, whale and jellyfish... again?!?!" "I'm having seaweed because..." "WE KNOW KARL, YOUR VEGAN"

   I don't need to drink to have fun." - boring people

   Things I use duct tape for, by percentage: Pranks: 35% Car repair: 35% Wrapping presents: 20% Medical emergencies: 10% Ducts: 0%

   I think my maid stole money from my drawer. I just want her to come clean.

   The doctor gave my friends and I a prescription for our Twisted Sister addiction but we're not gonna take it..

   If you don't like someone, fart in their microwave and set it for 15 minutes

   Happy hangover day to all the deadbeat moms out there. You've earned it!

   Some girls are like blunts.... Hit it a couple times, then pass it to your buddy.

   I'm so sad your vacation is over too. Now how am I going to get my "feet by the pool pics" fix in?

   If saying a bunch of stupid crap on the internet is what life's all about, then I'm living the dream.

   You can learn a lot about a woman by watching her load a gun.

   Got arrested at the airport last week. Apparently security doesn't appreciate it when you call "shotgun" before boarding a plane.