Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why be difficult, when with a bit of effort, you can be totally impossible!

   It's so cold out I've just turned 50 Shades Of Blue!

   If my glass is half full then I start wondering where my bartender is.

   What idiot decided to call them marijuana dispensaries and not grass stations?

   I spend a lot of time holding the refrigerator door open looking for the answer.

   If you left me alone with a monkey of average intelligence for half an hour, I could teach him to understand how a traffic merge works better than 70% of the human drivers on the road.

   I don't want to say the Oscars ran long but the kid from "Boyhood" just moved into a senior living facility.

   Veterans Affairs Secretary Robert A. McDonald says he misspoke when he clamied he was in the "Special Forces"...he intended to say he was in "Special Education."...Easy mistake.

   I don't want to say the Oscars ran long but the kid from "Boyhood" just moved into a senior living facility...

   I went to the dentist today and couldn't keep my big mouth shut.

   I can't help but smile when I see a woman wearing a Supertramp Concert t-shirt...

   There has been so much snow in Mass. that Elizabeth Warren is claiming to be an Eskimo

   Anyone knows when is Facebook sending us the W-2 form

   I try to take things one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me all at once.

   Don't break somebody's heart. They only have one. Break their bones instead. They have 206 of those.

   I paid attention to the construction signs and got in the correct lane. You ignored them for miles and now you want me to let you in. Not gonna happen.

   If you fart in public just yell "Jet Power!" and walk faster.

   Women like taking boiling hot showers bec it reminds them were they came from , hell

   We need a national conversation on why we think we need to have all these national conversations.

   If you don't talk in a group chat for 5 minutes you miss 42 sets of plans and 56 arguments but if you say something you don't get a reply