Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Drinking Status: My liver just entered the witness protection program.

   "I've never felt so alone...." ~ Me, sitting down to poop and realizing I forgot my phone.

   *Playing Go-Fish" with a Vegan* ME: Do you have any Sixes? V: I'm a Vegan.

   I had "Abstinence-only" sex education when I was in high school. It was called "Marching Band".

   WWII ended 70 years ago today. It's been that long since America REALLY fought for freedom.

   The difference between "fetish" and "felony" is checking beforehand

   Wait, don't go. I can ruin it some more.

   At what age do you stop shopping at Costco because you won't use the entire pack before you die?

   The older I get the more I realise there are no grown ups and nobody knows what the f*ck they're doing.

   all of mankind can be divided in two groups: morning people and those who want to kill morning people...guess for which one I'm cleaning and loading my gun!

   i went and refilled my prescription for my antidepressants... Because Happy Meals just don't seem to work for me!

   A woman without curves is like a road without bends, you might get to your destination quicker but the ride is boring as hell.

   Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.

   f a midget smokes weed does he get high or medium??

   I just bought my sanity back for $19.99 and it came with a side of hot wings..

   shhhhhh..it's really hard to imagine you're someone else when you talk

   Some people call me the Space Cowboy., some call me the Gangster of Love. Some people call me Maurice.... those people suck at nicknames.

   Relationship status: I've developed a high tolerance for pepper spray.

   Fun prank for Californians: Adjust your wiper wash to spray the car behind you, making them believe it's raining.

   OK Cupid reviewed my profile. They suggest I get a puppy.