Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I like to wear a stethascope around my neck so that when there is a medical emergency people learn a valuable lesson about false assumptions.

   No thanks 5 Hour Energy drink. Work is 8 hours, I'll just stick to cocaine.

   Laughing is the best medicine but if you are laughing for no reason, you need medicine.

   Hockey is much better if you imagine the teams are fighting over the world’s last Oreo

   Welcome to laser noises club. Please take a pew.

   [walking up to birthday party] Kid: "Dad, these are all the cool kids. Don't embarass me." Dad: "I hear ya dawg" *puts baseball hat on backwards*

   If you don't boo at people after bad sex, how do you expect to motivate them to get better?

   Holy crap guys!!!! Only one more week until Tiffany from Facebook is in Mexico drinking with her besties!!!

   "Hell hath no fury" because women have it all.

   Friend: "Tattoos are so addicting" Me: "You drink, smoke, and watch porn all day. I don't think self-control is your thing"

   "Do you have a jelly fish sting?" "Do YOU have a jelly fish sting?" "Do YOU have a jelly fish sting" ~ R. Kelly at the beach.

   My life is a very complicated drinking game.

   Just got mad at work and smashed my face into my keyboard. Looks like I wrote a new Kanye West song.

   I hate it when you are singing along to a song and the singer gets the words wrong.

   I don't always text and drive but when I do, its because I have to share a really funny Tweet I just read to Facebook.

   Someday my kids will find my Twitter account and finally understand why we can't have nice things.

   Who called it "camel toe" and not... oh wait, "camel toe" was there perfect thing to call it. Good job dude who called it camel toe.

   My wife just decided she will no longer be putting anything unhealthy into her body. Time for me to turn the clothes hanger back into a treadmill.

   Going through a bunch of cute pictures of my kids to remind me why I don't keep them locked in the basement.

   I thought the Mayweather-Pacquio fight was big unti just now when my wife opened the cable bill and saw I paid $100 to watch it.