Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's like my dad always says, "Stop calling me. I have another family now."

   My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.

   If by "buns of Steele" you mean dented and rusty, then yes I do have buns of Steele

   Whenever I want to lift my spirits, I use a shot of whiskey.

   All of my fantasies involve you and then there's pizza a few times.

   Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.

   I'm so glad I was never a cavewoman, I'd have no idea where to hunt for sandwiches.

   When a hipster pissed me off, I don't get mad, I just throw their Fiat on a roof.

   My Girlfriends good traits: Young, gorgeous, adverterous in bed, and has a dragon. Her bad traits: She's not real, but I can look past that becuase she has a dragon.

   That's odd, my FitBit just told me I met my daily goal of 10,000 steps, but all I've done all day is sit on the couch and watch porn.

   Reminiscing of the days when "Daddy drinks because you cry" was just sarcasm

   Are you sure your relationship is "complication" and you're not just sleeping with too many people?

   Sorry fro all teh typos. Whne it comse to texting, I'm all thumbs.

   I just had salmon, raspberries & pine nuts for supper. Somewhere, out there, a grizzly bear is searching for his soulmate.

   Billion dollar idea. A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell "I'm just cooking!"

   Relationship status: Looking for someone to rub me the wrong way...

   We're weird creatures; we don't tolerate liars and won't tolerate truth either.

   My G.F. has a pair of 'meatloaf' panties. On the front, it says 'I would do anything for love' On the back it says 'but I wont do that.'

   Don't think you're immune. We're all just a whim away from singing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight." Yes, a whim away...a whim away...a whim away.

   I wonder if Buzz and Woody ever met Andy's mom's toys.. Especially since they probably have the same names ..