Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Birthday sex is just like regular sex but you are dissapointed that more people didn't come.

   I always say, "monring" instead of "good morning" because if it was a good morning, I'd still be in bed sleeping.

   My cell phone battery dies faster than a mother in a Disney movie.

   My friends 13 year old has never heard of CCR and now I've never questioned his parenting more. Only you can prevent Beliebers folks.

   If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with a couple police officers, you'll know it was a bad idea to set the free.

   Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.

   Dear Kellogs, Cereal that makes them go back to sleep. Sincerley, Tired Parents

   I may not be the brightest crayon in the toolshed, but I'm great at analogies.

   CVS Clerk: "Would you like a reciept?" Me: "Sure" *God uses two fingers to slowly close the eyes of an entire rain forest*

   JUDAS: "Still on for friday?" JESUS: "Friday?" JUDAS: "Yeah, you know, the Last Supper" JESUS: "The what?!?" JUDAS: "the Supper, just the Normal Everyday Supper"

   "I'd pap that" ~ Gynocologists

   PRO TIP: Keep your man's balls deflated so he won't be able to bounce them around the playground.

   For every action there is an equal and opposite overreaction in the media.

   I've finally decided to do something about my weight. Lie.

   If you hold your ear up to a Reebok Crossfit you can hear the sound of a 26.2 sticker being peeled off and put on a minivan.

   In Hell, the Devil reads you Power Point presentations word for word.

   The person who named the Whitehouse and the Pentagon probably named oranges too.

   The only thing in Dora's backpack is a kilo of cocaine and a map to El Paso.

   I believe Harry Potter is real. My faith in Him is unwavering. I can prove his existence by quoting from a book. Stop ridiculing my faith!

   Heard a guy use the word 'bae' on the radio today and had to talk myself out of steering into oncoming traffic.