Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 1599 of 6453

No.... I said I CAN keep a secret, not that WILL.
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05-22-2015 13:13
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You guys know you can just buy M&M's instead of trail mix, right?
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05-22-2015 13:01
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"Shall we move this to the bedroom?" - Me, to snacks.
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05-22-2015 13:01
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Screw it, just add another blade." -Gillette marketing concepts.
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05-22-2015 13:00
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This tequila tastes like my ex wants me to text her.
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05-22-2015 12:59
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It's like my dad always says, "Stop calling me. I have another family now."
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05-22-2015 12:55
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My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
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05-22-2015 12:16 by Baddie
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If by "buns of Steele" you mean dented and rusty, then yes I do have buns of Steele
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05-22-2015 12:16
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Whenever I want to lift my spirits, I use a shot of whiskey.

All of my fantasies involve you and then there's pizza a few times.
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05-22-2015 11:40
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Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.
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05-22-2015 11:38
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I'm so glad I was never a cavewoman, I'd have no idea where to hunt for sandwiches.
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05-22-2015 09:37
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When a hipster pissed me off, I don't get mad, I just throw their Fiat on a roof.
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05-22-2015 09:36
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My Girlfriends good traits: Young, gorgeous, adverterous in bed, and has a dragon. Her bad traits: She's not real, but I can look past that becuase she has a dragon.
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05-22-2015 09:34
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That's odd, my FitBit just told me I met my daily goal of 10,000 steps, but all I've done all day is sit on the couch and watch porn.
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05-22-2015 09:33
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Reminiscing of the days when "Daddy drinks because you cry" was just sarcasm
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05-22-2015 09:32
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Are you sure your relationship is "complication" and you're not just sleeping with too many people?
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05-22-2015 09:31
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Sorry fro all teh typos. Whne it comse to texting, I'm all thumbs.
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05-22-2015 08:47
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I just had salmon, raspberries & pine nuts for supper. Somewhere, out there, a grizzly bear is searching for his soulmate.
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05-22-2015 05:14 by flinnie
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Billion dollar idea. A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell "I'm just cooking!"