Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What's the opposite of carpe, because that's what I'll be doing to the day.

   Teaching my 9 year old to sew. She'll make a great wife in 1897.

   What I lack in sex appeal I make up in staying home and drinking.

   I ate so many chips I pooped an Eric Estrada.

   If a tree falls in the woods, but then just pretends to be tying its shoes, do the other trees notice?

   Me: I gotta go home. I'm bleeding and my computer is broken. Boss: It looks like you just slammed your head through your monitor. Me: What is this, CSI?

   I own 13 pairs of black yoga pants just in case you want to question my white girl status.

   You're doable, not dateable. Know your place.

   thanks to Netflix I can tell my doctor I've done a lot of "marathons"

   the wife just woke me up and told me to quit snoring, I said I never snore I just dream I'm a motorcycle. ..

   I find between 27-30 is a great age for men. You're still young enough to date college women...and old enough for their moms.

   Fingering a fat girl is like trying to steal snacks from a vending machine.

   Watching a movie with the girlfriend tonight. Can anyone recommend a good girlfriend?

   I'm so British that I stick my pinki out when I masturbate

   The zoo basically has two modes. 1. Lazy sleepy animals. 2. Hard core porn

   I thank God for my daughter every day. How else would I know I'm "So stupid".

   Interviewer: Do you have a police record. Me: No, but I do have a couple of their CD's. *gets hired on the spot*

   A "Tap Out" sticker on your mini van still makes it a mini van.

   How does a cricket know when his joke bombed?

   I've had so much sex today that this entire post is a lie.