Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I rather be proven wrong scientifically than lied to religously.

   Her: Real men like curves. Me: No. Real men like whatever the (bleep) they want.

   It's my birthday!! These crazy woman sending me all these flowers it look like a funeral up in here

   I've outsourced my LIKES, Birthday wishes and comments on your post and pics to a firm in India. So if Sanjay isn't showing you enough love, please let me know right away.

   I can't wait until people start posting pics of the temperature display in their car. I'm waiting on pins and needles to see how hot it is where you are.

   I think a Gordon Ramsey GPS would be great! "You missed the turn you stupid cow!"

   Remember, everyday is a gift from God. Except Mondays, the Devil sneaks that one in

   Catholic school taught me two things: One is that God loves me and I'm going to burn in hell. The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on Earth and I should save it for someone I love.

   I wrote "except zombies" on my welcome mat so I know I'll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.

   If you can't handle me at my worst then that sucks because that's all there is to me.

   There's this woman I like, but I think she's gay cause she's very fond of arseholes.

   Sometimes life is cruel and other times you're unconscious.

   Leave the horse I rode in on out of this b*tch!

   A recycling firm in Silicon Valley is searching for a woman who dropped off a rare Apple-1 computer that fetched $200,000 at auction. They need the password so they can delete Bono's tracks from it.

   Netflix: The lazy man's answer to a movie date

   Come to think of it The Eiffel Tower is the Empire State Building after taxes.

   ....officer plz don't shoot me. I'm white and won't make the news.

   I think Lebron misunderstood coach when he was told to share the ball more...

   Sometimes, I do the opposite of what my GPS tells me to do just to hear the the slight panic in it's robotic voice.

   [news anchor] "Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-" *wife changes channel*