Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Cain killed Abel by bashing him over the head with a rock. Guns would not be invented for another 8000 years or so.

   I don't watch porn; I can't get over the frustration that the pizza they ordered is getting cold.

   I'm beginning to feel jealous of you and your pics with your dads...I don't get to see mine til tomorrow when he delivers the milk

   Do the Kardashians have to buy Bruce Jenner a gift on both Mothers Day and Fathers Day now?

   Happy Father's Day, Caitlyn Jenner!!!!

   Kanye West calls himself Yeezus because he can turn, "Not winning a Grammy Award" into whine.

   If time is money Facebook owes me like...29 billion dollars...

   It's also amazing how someday, someone walks out of your life and you wonder how the hell you lived with them!!

   The most interesting thing about me is my lack of interest.

   Dad, I love how we don't even have to say out loud that I'm your favorite.

   My Dad sends his love because he thinks I know you all personally.

   It's almost noon and still nobody has peeled me a grape. Worst. Father's Day. Ever.

   I'm awkward. I don't apologize for it. Hi.

   It's HARD being this creepy.

   THEN MAYBE THEY SHOULDN'T HAVE MADE WORKOUT CLOTHES SO COMFORTABLE TO LAY AROUND IN

   When I love, I like to give it my ALL. Same when I don't love.

   Ladies, if your boyfriend can't drive a stick shift, you have a girlfriend ...

   A fun thing to do with when you're watching "JAWS" with someone is lean over halfway through and whisper "I think the shark did it."

   Don't blame the guns. A killer has a wide selection of tools to kill with. Control killers not guns.

   I'm not a father, but I have been called "daddy" a few times.