Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think I have found the answer to our h omosexual problem. The butch women who think they are men should hook up with those girly men who think they are female. Problem solved.

   Where are the realistic Mother's Day cards that say, "Well you did the best you could with what you had and I still love you anyways."

   Happy Mothers day Bruce Jenner!

   Thanks for the womb and board, Mom!

   Some people are weak and can't handle life so they turn to drugs. Some turn to religion.

   This weekend raise a glass to your mom since you're why she drinks in the first place.

   "Hit her with a chair!" ~Drunk guy watching fifty shades of grey probably

   Does this "eating a lean cuisine on a Saturday night." Make me look single?

   I’m pretty sure that if I shot the sheriff, I would also shoot the deputy, because why the heck not at that point?

   If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I'd be like omg I have a boyfriend :)

   *Justin Bieber goes to jail *Writes "Free JB!" on wall in protest *learns cellmate is dyslexic

   Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers* *his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands* "WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!"

   I spend the first few hours of every day killing weeds in my front yard and the last few hours of every day smoking them in my backyard.

   I got a job as a store greeter. But apparently "You again?" wasn't the greeting they had in mind.

   A handful of almonds is a sensible snack to throw in someone's face & demand where the real snacks are

   When I see a tire swing swaying gently in the breeze, I like to believe its daydreaming about life on the open road.

   A gentleman is someone who can play the accordion but won't

   This old couple kept staing at me while I was eating my ice cream cone so when I finished, I ate the napkin too!

   Jerk off so hard your sperm dies of shaken baby syndrome.

   Why did humans invent hell, when there are enough real things to be scared of, like emotional commitment, marriage and a woman on her period.