Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   As others prepare for another exciting college school year. I prepare myself for another 40 hour work week.

   Saying "I'm offended" is basically telling the world you can't control your own emotions so everyone else should do it for you.

   I don't remember how the saying goes, but I think it's Rum before Whiskey, before Vodka, = Heart Palpitations.

   I am not sure how I missed this, busy I guess, but Monica Lewinsky turned 42 earlier this week, it seems like only yesterday she was crawling around the White House on her knees.

   The stock market continues to go up, and is probably a good place to invest your money if you have any. But as good as it sounds, if I ever get any extra I'm opting for canned goods and ammo......!

   I think that Americans should be less concerned about Donald Trump's hair, and more concerned with the screw that came loose underneath it.

   Moving into the White house would be living in poverty for Trump...he'd be slumming it.

   Of all the game show hosts, Trump seems to be the last one you'd vote for. I like Drew Carey, Alex Trebek or Steve Harvey better

   Trump for president!! Come on pple!

   Time is the only real enemy......* JK. It’s spiders.

   Want to get a song stuck in your head...After midnight, we're gonna let it all hang down...After midnight..After midnight,

   When you think about it, it's a rather fine line with some between insulting them and describing them

   Someone else can have my fifteen minutes of fame.

   I don’t chase after men. I don’t even walk after them.

   I'm sorry I asked you what your "hair" was made out of.

   The one good thing Donald Trump has going for him is that the more he speaks the less ridiculous his hair seems by comparison.

   I'll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.

   Only 273 fruit roll-ups to go until I get my full serving of fruit...

   Don't "xoxoxoxo" unless you mean it... I'm not flying to Budapest again...

   “One shot, one kill, one apology.” - Canadian Sniper.