Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   looks like Kermit the frog won't be "bringing home the bacon" anymore...

   How sad Amy Schumer broke up with Kermit the frog.

   A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I've been referring to the office as "ruthless".

   "If olive oil comes from crushing olives, does baby oil come from Planed Parenthood?

   As far as being a white man, this is the worse century to be born in. Our kids will be slaves in the next 100 years.

   This world is getting so uptight!!... Buck Owens once had a tiger by the tail and nobody batted an eye!!

   "Mounting debt" sounds way sexier than it is.

   To the high school counselor who told me I'd never amount to anything: spot on, dude. You, sir, are a psychic.

   I just watched Bug's Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.

   Go on Christian Mingle ONE TIME, and they have to perform an exorcism on the whole site?

   Cougars should be called eager beavers.

   Welcome to Killadellphia, no if ands or Bots!

   R.I.P to any girl that looks at Ronda Rousey's man the wrong way

   It's been an exhausting day of pretending I'm a pleasant person.

   R.I.P to any guy that ever cheats on Ronda Rousey

   The speed and graphics on Microsoft Windows 10 is gonna be SO GOOD we'll be able to down load twice the social anxiety disorders in HALF the time...!!!!

   I took my son to soccer practice for the first time today and I was amazed at the number of moms pulling up in 4x4's I thought to myself, "They will never use those for off-roading." Then I saw them trying to park.

   Police ordered me to get out of my car 'You're staggering' said the officer .'you're not a bad looking f*cker yourself' I replied

   I'd last 34 seconds also with Ronda rousey

   Always be yourself. Even if you have to fake it.