Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Going through a bunch of cute pictures of my kids to remind me why I don't keep them locked in the basement.

   I thought the Mayweather-Pacquio fight was big unti just now when my wife opened the cable bill and saw I paid $100 to watch it.

   Sometimes just to annoy my therapist, I ask him, "So how does my lack of progress make you feel?"

   Sometimes I squat on the floor, wrap my arms around my knees, and lean forward... because that's how I roll.

   Do people who run marathons not know about cocaine?

   needs a woman to give me Blue balls to celebrate BB Kings life...

   You know the relationship is over when you have to buy your stuff back from a garage sale...

   Today is the day that the Blues was made for. Thank you B.B. (Blues Boy) King for everything.

   ♪♫ " The thrill is gone...."♪♫ Rest in peace BB King. Although many are singing the blues at the news of your death, I'm sure Heaven is singin' ♪♫" Let the Good Times Roll"...

   Stop asking why I’m still single. I don’t ask how you’re still married.

   I told everyone at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I won’t have to talk to them.

   Don’t you wish karma was like pizza and could be delivered in under 30 minutes?

   Etiquette question: If you have a co-worker who desperately needs a nose haor trimmer, do you just anonymously leave one on their desk, or do you tell her about it?

   Obama has driven me to a financial status that I can't tip delivery drivers if there's is a delivery charge anymore. Sorry guys, but minimum wage should be $10/hr soon so you'll be fine.

   I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I've killed a spider with a full bottle of windex

   Every time I see someone with drawn on eyebrows, I want to ask them if the carpet matches the curtains

   "Blinded By The Light" is my favorite song about what happens to people when I take my shirt off outside for the first time each year.

   Just called the bank for my account info,, and a voice whispered 'If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.'

   My wife says she's not cumin home because she doesn't have thyme for my spice puns any more. I mustard upset her.

   I feel sadly left out knowing that I'm one of the few people in this country who hasn't shot or been shot at by George Zimmerman.