Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What are people asking Meatloaf to do 'for love'?

   Just once I'd like a man to approach me at a bar and say 'come with me if you want to live'.

   A rocket launcher but for all the idiots on the highway.

   My phone just autocorrected "Haha" to "Jaja" so I guess I'm Mexican now.

   Sex so good that she forgets about Dre.

   And Jesus said, those footprints on the beach where two sets become one, that's where I unfollowed you.

   Thank you Facebook for options like: Block, Unfollow and Turn of chat for only some friends.

   When people stay in a horrific relationship instead of breaking up, I assume they killed someone together.

   You are on the list of the many things I would do for a Klondike bar.

   If your new friends calls himself 'The Wizard', there's a good chance he likes Lord of the Rings. If your new friend calls himself, 'The Grand Wizard', time to get a different new friend.

   Starbucks: Sometimes you wanna go where everybody misspells your name.

   -Monday -Tuesday -Wednesday -Thursday -Blink -Monday.

   Secret admirer when you're young. Stalker when you're older.

   I am looking for contributors to the go F#ck yourself foundation I am starting. . .

   I would describe my dancing style as “Oh my god, is he having a seizure?”

   If your girlfriend asks you to role play 'doctors and nurses' in the bedroom, don't diagnose her with down-syndrome. Trust me on this.

   I like my women like I like my turtles,,,,Helpless when they're on their back... Bill Cosby

   26 years later,, and we still haven't touched this

   If you put a rusty penny in a glass of Mountain Dew overnight,,, in the morning Abraham Lincoln will be riding a snowboard.

   [Shark Tank, 1928] Inventor: I call it Sliced Bread... My Great Grandfather: I like to decide my own bread thickness,,, and for that reason I'm out.