Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It usually goes like this. 1: wreck myself. 2: check myself

   Its no coincidence that my internet addiction started on the same day I got married.

   Whew, I was worried they hacked the Dolly Madison site and everyone would find out about my chocolate Zingers addiction.

   [Enter Password] drapes [Re-enter Password] carpet [Error: Passwords must match]

   [live debate] What's your stance on gun control?.......... *poses like a Charlie's Angel.......next question

   Ever think about an old friend and wonder what they're doing right now? They're playing on their phone. Everyone is playing on their phone!

   [high school reunion] Him: I'm a doctor Her: I'm a lawyer Him: What do you do? Me: PEOPLE VALIDATE ME ON THE INTERNET..

   My Nephew asked me if I knew anything about Galileo .... "Do I" I said, "I know he was a Poor Boy that Nobody loved, from a Poor Family."

   I like my women like I like my coffee.. in a burlap sack shipped over from a 3rd world country

   I've never had sex with a ten but I'm wondering if two fives count.

   I like my woman like I like my beer; brown, smooth, and goes down without any problems.

   I like my women like I like my sentences, without periods!

   I don't use alcohol as a crutch. It's more like a motorized wheelchair.

   Sesame Street has moved to HBO and promise to contain some shocking spoilers, like how to get there.

   Jared began and ended his career trying to get into smaller pants

   I've been trying to leave Rome for weeks,,, but all their roads have this weird design flaw.

   Yesterday my Supervisor asked why I was tardy and I said, "I don't think you're supposed call people that any more."

   Women are too sensitive. She said she was having twins and I said, "At least you'll finally have 2 kids by the same father."

   Got kicked out of the local casino again. Apparently, gold chocolate coins mess up their slot machines or something.

   So Megan Fox Is single this is my chance