Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Of all the things I learned in High School, how to hide an erection has proven to be the most beneficial in my career.

   I never knew my mechanic was pshchic until he told me I blew a tranny in my car.

   Donald Trump is what happens when John Boehner bangs a llama.

   If we elect Donald Trump for president, there will be hell toupee...

   Your silent treatment should be accompanied by a disappearing act.

   I'm getting really tired of having to remind my wife she's happily married.

   One assault charge and all of a sudden you're not wife material anymore.

   Don't be sad.. Someone, somewhere.. Is finding out right now they have herpes.

   Learned something new today. If you tell a girl she's a 6, she'll make up the other 4 in bed

   I'd vote for Donald Trump just to watch him tell Obama he's fired... ‪#‎justsaying‬

   Kinda sucks Cinderella had to end up with someone who couldn't remember what her face looked like.

   I took a train home. Now I don't know how to get it back on the rails...

   Instead of buying all my kids' school supplies, I just bought a Staples store. Saved like four grand.

   Me and my girlfriend, ,, sitting in a tree A-R-G-U-I-N-G

   Co-workers not loving my Lenny Kravitz impersonation.

   Ronda Rousy has challenged Bill Cosby to see who can knock out a woman faster.

   I like my women like I like my golf scores. In the 80s with a slight handicap.

   Pro tip for picking up girls - keep your back straight and lift with your knees.

   A lot of capes at the hair salon. Hard to tell who's a superhero and who's not

   There is never just one reality, we each have our own version.