Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon I asked my cat if I'm passive aggressive and she ignored me. I hope I don't forget to feed her tonight.
←Rate | 09-03-2015 08:58 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Substitute " My ass" for "This girls" on fire and you're welcome Preparation H for your new ad campaign.
←Rate | 09-03-2015 05:58 by Bob Comments (0)  


   messageicon At work since 6am, awake since 7am.
←Rate | 09-03-2015 05:14 Comments (0)  


   messageicon According to my Magic Watch you're not wearing any Panties,. Oh You Are Wearing Panties. Well Then It must be running 15 min fast.
←Rate | 09-03-2015 01:22 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I don't "drink". I expedite my bedtime.
←Rate | 09-03-2015 01:06 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Be thankful your GPS doesn't get PMS: “Fine! Turn whichever way you want! You never listen to me anyway!”
←Rate | 09-02-2015 19:31 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack. Or her multiple affairs while being married. Cons...lol
←Rate | 09-02-2015 12:09 Comments (1)  


   messageicon Summer is almost over... All you half naked bit$hes gonna have to find a personality soon.
←Rate | 09-02-2015 00:17 by BEGO Comments (0)  


   messageicon Retail Stores: "It's September 1st! Time to put out all the Christmas crap...."
←Rate | 09-01-2015 15:00 Comments (0)  


   messageicon When reality comes knocking, I make tequila answers the door.
←Rate | 09-01-2015 14:34 by Czovczov Comments (0)  


   messageicon I got in touch with my feminine side today by burning a house down over a text message
←Rate | 09-01-2015 14:07 Comments (0)  


   messageicon "Welcome to Costco, I love you."
←Rate | 09-01-2015 13:01 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Men are problem solvers, women are problem creators...
←Rate | 09-01-2015 12:01 by eengrms Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'd have sex with Martha Stewart just for the amazing breakfast she would make the next morning.
←Rate | 09-01-2015 11:52 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Funny how you don't see Oprah or Bigfoot in the same room.
←Rate | 09-01-2015 11:52 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I haven't heard anything about Farmville lately. Did those guys sell out to Monsanto?
←Rate | 09-01-2015 09:51 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Why hasn't Head and Shoulders shampoo come out with a body wash called "Knees and Toes"?
←Rate | 09-01-2015 09:50 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My wife and I got a book on how to spice up our love life. One suggestion was to make love in a car wash. It was great but it really pissed off those people doing their church fund raiser.
←Rate | 09-01-2015 09:50 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Happy 35th Birthday Pac-Man!
←Rate | 09-01-2015 08:25 Comments (1)  


   messageicon My Uber driver almost crashed twice. 5 stars. Very exciting.
←Rate | 08-31-2015 23:44 by snotty Comments (0)  




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