Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm funnier online than in person, and funnier in print than online, but I'm at my funniest when you have no interaction with me at all.

   Kind of unfair that dentists are the only ones who have the freedom to shove their hand in someone's mouth when they start talking.

   Sometimes I wonder if I could get away with murder, but then I remember I can’t even eat pancakes without getting syrup all over me.

   If I'm am ever wronged, I expect you to avenge me. So be ready.

   Dear Europe, I lost a bet and have to watch a soccer game. Question: do these things end or do the players just die of old age?

   Hangman is a great game to teach kids that if they don't learn how to spell, they could be put to death.

   Yea, gun control is awesome...if you're the one controlling the guns.

   Three things that I learned today:1) I'm bad at Charades 2) There are no films called 'Choking' or 'Dial 999' 3) Grandad is .. I mean, was, allergic to peanuts.

   If someone says they’re gonna open up a can of whoop-a$$, that means there is somebody out there putting whoop-a$$ into a can. I’d be more afraid of that second guy.

   I knew we were gonna be friends when you ran into that wall.

   How long do I have to stay in the shower before the shame washes off?

   I'm black but not "both my parents are white" black.

   My local Taco Bell put in super bright parking lot lights so when people buy drugs they know they aren't getting shorted.

   The way Americans feel about Donald Trump running for President is the way the rest of the world feels about America.

   Sheen 2016! Because there's nothing more bipartisan than tiger blood

   Me: How much for the horse tornado? Guy: Sir, that's a carousel.

   A lot of women can’t drive because they’re too busy giving mixed signals.

   I don’t think I meet the height requirement to ride your emotional rollercoaster

   I have a female anatomy medical chart above my bed to use as a reference if I ever get lucky again*

   I always found it ironic when the president of a nation who leads the world in global arms sales speaks out against gun violence.