Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Wearing a visor is like trying to get laid with the difficulty setting on expert.

   If my cats have taught me anything, its how to ignore people.

   I bought an L shaped couch, the sales rep said it was on sale because the L was lower case. I was ok with that.

   If the range of decrease in Blood Alcohol Content is 10-20 mg% per hour. I should be able to drive my car next Monday.

   I like how Movies will warn you "May not be suitable for all audiences". But what they really need is a "May not be suitable to watch with people who constantly ask questions about movies" rating.

   Last year my friend told me to have the best day ever, so I did. My life has gotten worse every day since then.

   If you drink enough "samples" at the liquor store, they will help you out to your car

   [first date] Why won’t you accept my moms friend request?

   Less talk, more overreaction.

   9:03. North snores as Kanye sings a lullaby. Furious, Kanye claps & she jumps awake. "You think you can fall asleep during my performance?"

   My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.

   Since it started raining all my wife has done is look through the stupid window... If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.

   Industry has invented a machine which can pin point the exact location of any pungent smell. Dogs around the world are praising this device!

   1 out of every 3 Obama supporters are as stupid as the other two

   Washes entire car with the squeegee at the gas pump

   I think the winner should aspire to greater things than a chicken dinner...

   With all the seriousness going on in the world, its imperative I let you know that a sex addict can always beat his addiction

   The line was a little long at my pharmacy so I grabbed my cell phone and pretended to call someone. The line emptied quickly when I described my contagious rash and the fact that no doctor had found a medicine that would cure it yet. Good times.

   Football is on. I'll talk to you guys in February.

   I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds "by mouth" on the prescription label.