Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   HEY EVERYBODY, did anyone remember to wake up Green Day's Billie Joe Armstrong today? Please tell me someone remembered. Oh man, he's gonna be pissed

   The American Airlines air hostess was so old that I offered her my seat today

   I want my hearse to have 'JUST DIED' written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.

   I can't wait until Whole Foods starts selling "Mars Water" for 50 bucks a bottle.

   I'm so old, I remember the internet when it had no commercials. . .

   Whole Foods Cashier: "Would you like to make a donation?"... Me: "No,,, just these 11 items for $109, thanks"

   My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it's ok, it was in my pocket.

   I’ve had the time of my life like ten or eleven times now.

   Hey??!! Somebody get ready to wake that guy from Green day up!!!

   Police officers say anything you say will be taken down and make be used as evidence .. your answer should always be please officer don't hit me again

   My wife wants to speak with you. You're in deep sh*t.

   This ponytail isn't gonna pull itself... ...are we flirting yet.

   Being a nice person is so exhausting, which is why a$$holes always have so much energy.

   I sensed she was starting to pull away when she changed the locks to the house.

   If you've spent more than ten seconds fondling and sniffing a fruit or vegetable you need to buy it otherwise it's disrespectful

   I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day. -why spelling matters

   Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.

   It used to be called "House Depot" until they filled it with love.

   Water in Mars? Big deal... Call me when they find whiskey or beer.

   This Halloween I'm going as a Jehovah's Witness. I'm going to be handing out some good news.