Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 1491 of 6384
The Asians haven't been this embarrassed since William Hung was singing "She Bangs, She Bangs"
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07-05-2015 19:58 by Jeff
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Voices woke me up in the middle of the night, champagne was a ripoff & I'm still trying to leave. 1 star. -online review of Hotel California
Whenever I see a suggestion box, I put in, "Get rid of suggestion box."
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07-05-2015 19:51 by huck
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What do I have to do to get out of work early? Will faking my death be sufficient? Because I'm totally up for that.
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07-05-2015 19:48 by huck
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The fact that there is a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic load
If only I could be as witty as local news anchors think they are.
I don't mean to brag, but I just completed my 21 day cleanse in 3 hours and 15 minutes.
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07-05-2015 19:44 by flinnie
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Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee, bite like a mosquito, carry 100 times your body weight like an ant.
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07-05-2015 19:36 by flinnie
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if you expect me to answer an actual phone call you're gonna have to give me at least 3 days warning
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07-05-2015 19:29 by huck
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My tombstone will say, "She was a people pleaser most of her life until one day she snapped and had to be taken out by the national guard."
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07-05-2015 19:24
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When they named Newfoundland, it's like they just weren't even trying.
I'm the Rain Man of knowing exactly how many fries you stole while I went to get napkins.
I'd love to hear about your weekend plans just give me a second to put on my airplane neck pillow.
As a kid my Mom would remind me that you can get killed crossing the street. At some point it sounded like a suggestion.
Babies are like little miracles that poop wherever they want and scream at everybody
I shot out of bed last night with the awful realization that Charlie Tuna was a tunafish that loved the idea of people eating tunafish
Carli Lloyd - the next Atomic Bomb to be dropped on Japan
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07-05-2015 18:37
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In the Midnight hour she Cried " Turn that TV Down I'm trying to sleep" :(
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07-05-2015 18:28
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[Job Interview] "Do you have any questions?" How do they get those tiny ships inside glass bottles? "I m..eant about the job" Oh, no I'm good
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07-05-2015 17:55
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"Walk Like an Egyptian" is probably my favorite song about walking like an Egyptian, if I had to choose..
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07-05-2015 13:07
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