Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft; today, in civilized society, it is called golf.

   That selfie of you perched upon the toilet intoxicated was truly charming. What finishing school did you attend, my delicate flower?

   *beats dead horse... *kills two birds with 1 stone... *lets cat out of bag... *takes bull by horns... *breaks camels back... (Finally gets kicked out of zoo)

   Surprisingly,, " How It’s Made" episode about "pancakes",, actually didn’t show my wife and I arguing for 20 minutes

   Well sadly,,, The irony of being a horse, is that if you lift weights for a whole year,, you will still only have 1 horsepower.. Next question

   ME: Waiter, there's a fly in my soup... FLY: Wow, there's a spoon in my pool.... GOD: Sorry this world isn't perfect everyone, LOVE the complaining though... * Shakes head

   What's yellow and has wheels?... A banana, I lied about the wheels... Next question

   DENTIST: OK, open up.... Me: Well, I guess it all started when my dad left... DENTIST: No, I mean.... DENTAL ASSISTANT: Wait Bob, Let him finish

   Let's flip a coin. Heads I get tail. Tails I get head.

   If you carry the bricks from the past, you'll only end up building the same house..,,

   Let's just call a car what it really is....a mobile phone charger,,,

   I'm on a tequila diet. So far I've lost 2 days, my keys, and my favorite heels.

   With all the complaining on FB, I'm sure the world's social injustices will be righted in no time.

   Ketchup's popularity skyrocketed when they stopped calling it tomato jelly.

   Now that the 4th of July has come and gone, who's Right's, Belief's, or Heritage should we isht on this week?

   If being gay was so wrong, then why didn't it make it onto God's top 10 list?

   What time does Sean Connery arrive at Wimbledon? About Tennish.

   Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff....Duh dum chhsh!

   Am I the only one that thinks some of the Japanese players will be executed? #fifa

   I just heard my grandma yell "The United States is dropping the bomb on Japan again!"