Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 1483 of 6384
Chinese Take-Out $18.97....Gas money to go pick it up $10.00...getting home and realizing they forgot one of your cartons.......RICELESS
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07-15-2015 07:04
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If you think your wife has a sense of humor, try leaving a trail of rose pedals leading to a sink full of dirty dishes
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07-15-2015 07:02
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Hand sanitizer?? No thanks, I let my kids eat dirt when they were little so now they have no allergies.
I honestly think my dog feels almost no remorse at how messy she makes my house.
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07-14-2015 22:09 by Huck
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Fun thing to do #26: Stand 20 ft in front of the Walmart greeter and greet people before he gets a chance.
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07-14-2015 22:04 by flinnie
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I'd use the Domino's app if they added interesting updates like "Dave is adding your toppings and his wife is cheating on him."
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07-14-2015 22:00
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During a fight with your wife tell her you're bored,,
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07-14-2015 21:37
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Before I got married I didn't even know there was a wrong way to put the milk back in the fridge
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07-14-2015 20:47 by snotty
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Me: "I'll take the rubbish out"... Rubbish: "Ummm,, I'm seeing someone"
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07-14-2015 20:15 by snotty
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I get called into cat-boss office,,, *Boss staring intensely at red dot on wall... "Cancel all my appointments I'm not to be disturbed".... "Yes Sir."
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07-14-2015 20:13 by snotty
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Yes,, I'll come to your third wedding,, but let it be known that your gift will be a set of irregular sheets.
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07-14-2015 20:09 by snotty
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I thought Pluto would have more hair.
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07-14-2015 20:00
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And for years I thought Pluto was a dog.
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07-14-2015 19:59
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Confirmed: The spacecraft near Pluto has a NIKON camera
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07-14-2015 19:36
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if 50 cents had a nickle for every bankruptcy joke
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07-14-2015 16:09
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So we can beam a crystal clear selfie of Pluto from 3 billion miles away but vending machines will still not take my dollar if it has a wrinkle...
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07-14-2015 13:58 by eengrms
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There we go... the first of a long series of Pluto's selfies...
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07-14-2015 13:36 by Niltzz
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Waiting 2 hrs for an important call...hops in shower ....phone rings..
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07-14-2015 13:18
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Why Does My Feed Have To Be Clogged With Everything You Liked???
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07-14-2015 12:12 by JCT
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The worst thing a woman can ask a man is "Guess what today is."
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07-14-2015 11:50
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