Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Luke, I am your father." - Darth Vader, after Luke won the lottery.

   *discretely cancels date with Charlie Sheen*

   Adulthood is looking both ways before you cross the street then getting hit by an airplane.

   So. . . If ISIS is contained, like obama says, why can't the refugees all go home?

   Most of the time my life is going great, the other times I am just sober.

   My4FavoriteThings: 1) Long walks on the beach... 2) Long walks back to the car.. 3) Long walks on the beach looking for car keys.. 4) Long waits for AAA

   With all the negativity on the internet lately its nice to Charlie Sheen is positive...

   I seriously doubt Dire Straits are still getting their chicks for free.

   The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.

   Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by religious fanatics

   Me: I'm lonely Vodka: hey

   The thing about a woman's smile is not knowing if she's simply happy, or because she can't wait to burn your clothes for replying "k" to her heartfelt text message.

   Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.

   We should start all over again and accept only people who know the difference between ''your'' and ''you're''.

   The only time I believe in luck is when a married man has sex.

   I didn't realize the AIDS epidemic was so bad, they say one in every two and a half men have it

   The term 'Islamophobia' is as silly as 'Naziphobia'. Phobia means irrational fear, my fear of Islam is not irrational- -Anna Doe

   After spending years trying to find a good therapist, I can now recommend a great one. His name is Captain Morgan.

   The Definition Of Toilets: The one and only thing Obama is qualified to do, is clean toilets. . .

   Did the widows and Orphans get government funded sexchanges to look like 6 foot bodybuilders?