life Funny Status Messages

   I used to think that the 2 separate things that irritated me most in life were: 1) Stupid People and 2) Traffic. That was until I witnessed stupid people driving in traffic, then it's HYSTERIA.

   Shower = 27 min. 2min. = Wash and rinse body. 25 min. = Reflection and deep thoughts about the origin of life and the universe.

   What if Deja Vu meant you lost a life And you are starting back off at your last checkpoint.

   Who else thinks their ringtone is the best, but when you're in public and it rings, it's the most embarrassing moment of your life?

   Dear whoever is reading this, you're beautiful and someone out there is crazy about you. So smile. Life is too short to be unhappy.

   life is too ironic to understand. It takes sadness to know what happiness is, Noise to appreciate silence, and absence to value presence.

   Every minute of my life is a countdown to when I'll eat next.

   I'm just letting life pull me down, and patiently waiting for my great slinghot experience!..RJ

   Thanks jerry springer for making my life seem normal...

   Be good to yourself because the longest relationship you will ever have in life is with yourself.

   Sometimes I look at my FB feed and think "If you spent less time b!tching about your life, you might actually enjoy it."

   I was just asked what the shelf life was of " fruit cake " , all I could say was when's the rapture .

   It's better to cross the line and suffer the consequences than to just stare at the line for the rest of your life.

   The Secret life of the American teenager is less realistic than star wars. No father and daughter talk about sex that casually. "Hey amy, are you going to have sex with Ricky tonight?" "Well we're both emotionally & physically ready, so yeah." "okay, cool

   You can look at some people and instantly know they're only going to get two awards in life, a birth and a death certificate.

   If life's a b!tch... Why do I have to make my own sandwhich?

   You get to a point in life where it would be quicker to tell the doctor what isn't wrong with you than what is.

   Don't you love it when you're ipod is about to fall, and your headphones saves its life.

   I'm not talking about Facebook, I want to know how to block you in real life.

   proofreading can save your life... I sent a text from New Orleans to my wife that should have read, "Havin a blast, wish you were here". But instead it read, "Havin a blast, wish you were her".