Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   October 27th, almost time for me to tell my kids' about the weird week long chocolate allergy they are about to get.

   You can just root for them. You don't have to try and explain how you're a legit Cubs fan because your great uncle went to Wrigley once.

   Instead of paying for a haunted house this year I'm just making the kids clean out the refrigerator.

   Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the Halloween fun-size candy wrappers in your trash can.

   Why is my kid in the living room doing cartwheels when I put her to bed an hour ago?

   I'm sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your birthday.

   @ a funeral . ME: What's the WiFi password PRIEST: Respect the dead ME: Is that all small letters?

   If you want to work for a company that makes moisturiser, the best thing to do is to apply daily.

   A pessimist’s blood type is always b-negative.

   Why did the blonde tip toe near the medicine cabinet? Because she didn’t want to wake the sleeping pills.

   When I was young at bedtimes my mum always told me a story with a happy ending. One of the benefits of having a mum from Thailand I suppose.

   I think Christmas must be near, The bin man said good morning to me.

   Some folks exercise their right to vote. I vote my right to not exercise.

   There is no doubt in my mind that if people could vote from their couch at home on their X-box or PlayStation, Hillary would win in a landslide.

   The only people watching your Facebook Live Streaming are your stalkers.

   Just once I'd like someone to say to me "sheesh your girl's hot as sh1t."

   I can't decide whether to vote for the crooked liar or the lying crook...

   Wait, free healthcare premiums are going up again?? Don't worry Democrats, it'll be announced after your fools elect you...

   I'll say one thing for the Trumps: the wooden pallet their housekeeper sleeps on isn't missing any slats.

   Talking to you makes my ovaries hurt.