Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The only thing in the world you can do with a nick-nack paddy-whack is give a dog a bone.

   You haven't lived until you've had to force yourself to throw up 7 times so as to dislodge a fish bone you accidentally swallowed at dinner.

   make america a vast wilderness again

   I like staring into the night sky. There's less people out there.

   Are you sure that's all the cats you have?

   Pharrell Williams Begs Women to Vote Hillary: "She’s Dishonest, But So Are You"...Now we know why they chose him to be the front man for "Daft Punk"

   It's curious how a dog's erection can look so much like a tube of cherry chapstick yet do almost nothing for chapped lips.

   And They Want $15 An Hour: "Welcome to McDonald's." "Can I get a half dozen chicken nuggets please?" "We only serve 6, 10 or 20 piece." "So you don't sell half a dozen chicken nuggets?" "No sir." "Okay, I'll take the 6 piece."

   I'm not saying I'm clumsy but every time I try to open a lounge chair, The Entertainer starts playing out of nowhere.

   The trick to everything is have someone else do it.

   If you hear a loud, frustrated sigh carried by the wind tonight, it's me casting my early vote.

   I wanted the Cubs to win, only because they are from Chicago and its amazing they made it that far in the season without a single player getting shot.

   My mind reels at the changes that will happen in the next 108 years before the Cubs' next World Series.

   Trojan rejected my safe sex slogan today. "Don't kid yourself".

   the choice for presidential candidate boils down to one who is weak with e-mails and the other who is weak with females!

   Two yrs ago I weighed 251lbs. Today I weigh 250 1/2 lbs. SO YES! Hard work makes dreams come true, folks.

   I think you're giving hillary a lot of credit calling her a "trailer park". She's a tent site, at best.

   clerk: Do you like dinosaurs? me: Yeah! clerk: me *realizes she was talking to my son who's wearing a dinosaur shirt and hat*

   Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station's phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.

   I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.