Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 1020 of 6446

$100 for a dozen red what?! That's a lot of money for a plant you can’t smoke.
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02-12-2017 09:34
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Social media is great if you like socializing without wearing pants.

Whoever came up with the slogan Diamonds are Forever, obviously never had herpes.
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02-11-2017 21:11 by snotty
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"I don't feel good." -James Brown's last words
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02-11-2017 20:20
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I learned how to kiss passionately by practicing on my hand, but now it just uses me for sex.
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02-11-2017 17:48
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Winter seems more like a booty call than a three-month relationship.
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02-11-2017 16:42 by Lewis S.
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I went to the bar last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table. I said, "Nice legs The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so" I said "Absolutely! Most tables would have collapsed by now!"
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02-11-2017 13:04
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My wife woke up this morning with a HUGE smile on her face ..... I love Sharpie markers.
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02-11-2017 13:03
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A dozen roses: $12, a box of chocolates: $10, a Happy Valentines Day card: $2, still having $24 dollars because you're single: priceless!
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02-11-2017 13:00
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In 1963, Democrat George Wallace blocked the door to a school to prevent two Black Republicans from entering. I guess Republican is the new b lack ... Just ask Devos
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02-11-2017 12:57
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I may be getting older, but I remember back in my day, if you took pics of yourself to show all your mates, you were a faggot.

"No more Mr. Nice Guy" ~ Mr. Nice Guy's eulogy
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02-10-2017 23:47
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Boss: Are you high? Me: No, I dont do drugs, it must be the dayquil . Boss: Dayquil doesn't do that . Me: Must be the moonshine then.

IKEA is just adult LEGO sets
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02-10-2017 22:35 by Eddy
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Even Prime MInister Abe of Japan was surprised by how tiny Donald Trump's hands are, and he comes from a nation of tiny-handed people.
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02-10-2017 19:23
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Tonight I changed my wife's contacts in her phone. She should be getting texts tomorrow from Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger and have no idea who they are, I doubt she'll be upset......
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02-10-2017 15:08 by SEAN
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Balls - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your girlfriend with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'
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02-10-2017 15:08 by SEAN
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SNL just call me and asked me, If I want to play a character on the show. Apparently they are running out of characters to make fun of in Trump's cabinet
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02-10-2017 15:00 by jbab
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A terrible waitress asked me for a tip last night.... I said don't make snow angels at dog parks.......
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02-10-2017 13:41 by SEAN
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"I decided to go for a walk because I want to stay healthy. I'm also bringing along a box of M&M's because. . . . well, lets be honest here."
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02-10-2017 13:12
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