life Funny Status Messages

   Much of my life is a contest to see which of the voices in my head can say the funniest sh!t.

   Life would be so much more interesting if we all had cartoon bubbles over our heads.

   100% of the people that talk sh!t about your life, have sh!ttier lives than you.

   As you take another breath, someone takes their last. Stop complaining; appreciate life.

   Admit it, at least once in our life we have all tried to balance the light switch between the on and off position.

   Give a woman a compliment, she'll smile for a day.. Teach a woman to fish for compliments & she'll be annoying for the rest of her life.

   Life has a weird way of working out if you take enough booze and drugs

   since state farm also offers life insurance, why do you never hear a commercial say "like a good neighbor state farm is there....with a bullet in my spouse's head"?

   Life is your audition for heaven or hell.

   Just because I don't tell anyone, doesn't mean that problems doesn't exist in my life.

   I told my roommate this morning if my dinner isn't on the table when I get home from work he's gettin the beating of his life. Then I hid the table

   I told my wife "you're like a drug to me." "Aww because you're addicted to me?" she said. "No because you're ruining my life" I replied

   I eat my peas with honey.. I dun it all my life.. It makes the peas taste funny.. But it keeps them on my knife.

   If you ever google Gary Oldman... don't forget the R... worst experience in my life!

   In life, people who deserve nothing usually end up getting everything.

   Thank you Facebook. If not for you, I would be jealous of my friends thinking their life isnt boring.

   Never break four things in life. Trust. Promise. Relation. And Heart. Because when they break they don't make a noise, but hurts a lot.

   Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away

   No matter how good or bad you think life is, wake up each day and be thankful for life. Someone somewhere else is fighting to survive.

   Be England what she will,with all her faults she's my country still. Remember that you are an Englishman, and have consequently won first prize in the lottery of life. HAPPY ST GEORGE's DAY