Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There's nothing worse than getting $0.99 back in change

   On Thanksgiving, I always like to pretend, as I'm driving down empty roads and parking lots, that I lived through a zombie apocalypse.

   Women are like police, they can have all the evidence in the world but they still want a confession.

   Thanksgiving: Stuff the bird, make some stuff, stuff the tables with the stuff you made, and last...(trumpet sounds)...stuff your FACE! ... You just made those trumpet sounds, didn't ya???

   These leftovers are gonna taste great in 3 hours.

   thankful for unlimited text messages.

   you can post the Ten Commandments in the courthouse, if you let us post the statutes regarding child molestation in your church

   thankful for the makers of Lysol

   Just think, had the Indians given the Pigrim's a donkey instead of a turkey, we'd all be getting a piece of ASS today instead of some damn bird!

   has finish with the Wild Turkey on the rocks for lunch, and moved on to Grey Goose straight up for Thanksgiving Dinner. this is just Fowl

   expecting life to treat you fairly because you're a good person is like expecting the bull not to charge at you because you're a vegetarian.

   just woke from a 2.5 hour tryptophan-induced coma.

   Deja F*** U! to the guy who keeps posting those things.

   having a "foodgasm".

   enjoys seeing white guys with Chinese girlfriends, because he knows they're saving big bucks on massages.

   thankful for everyone celebrating Thanksgiving...to only true American Christian holiday. God bless you all!

   looking for my SHAKE-WEIGHT, so I can work off all this FOOD!!!

   definitely prefers to be the gobblee than the gobbler... I'm stuffed.

   You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day

   Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.