Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Thanksgiving advice: Sit at the kids table for as many years as possible.

   If someone has something bad to say about you, it's probably because they have nothing good to say about themselves.

   Kanye West calls Thanksgiving "You're Welcome Day."

   People get way too dramatic when telling a waiter they haven't left room for desert.

   Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then they discover once a year is way too often.

   I asked my kid, “Do you know why we have a Thanksgiving holiday?” He said, “Sure! It's so we know when to start Christmas shopping!”

   What did the mother turkey say to her disobedient children? “If your father could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!”

   You know that just before that first Thanksgiving dinner there was one wise, old Native American woman saying, “Don't feed them. If you feed them, they'll never leave.

   You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.

   On Thanksgiving Day, all over America, families sit down to dinner at the same moment – Halftime.

   thankful he's not a turkey

   They need to change the sign from "Speed Limit" to "Required Speed."

   The future of TSA, ma'am bend over, spread your cheeks, cough!

   I often view the Thanksgiving table as a roulette table, something about potato salad and macaroni salad made by people that don't like me makes me think I would be safer in Vegas betting the house and car

   It's a good thing I have Facebook. Otherwise I'd be doing something dumb right now like being efficient at my job.

   Do you want to make a difference? Be different.

   There is a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

   at the airport and not too upset about going through a full-body scan... what I am REALLY upset about is that this Enzyte stuff totally DOESN'T WORK AT ALL!

   likes being vague, because it's almost as fun as doing this other thing.

   thinks people with parkinsons just have a good song stuck in their head