Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I am afraid that the only way to motivate me to do something, is to absolutely forbid me from doing whatever it is you wish to have done. I refer to this as the big red shiny button theorem.

   Oh how that evil ball of hydrogen and helium punishes me on the way home from work with its larger than life flaming brilliance.

   I am working on writing a new Dr.Suess book..."The Retailer Who Stole Thanksgiving." "He didn't care if he got to eat the jello-o cranberry ring, just so long as he got to hear the cash register sing..."

   A man's bathroom is his fortress of solitude and the toilet is his throne.

   San Francisco bans toys in Happy Meals.... Mayor McCheese vows to "Take it to the Supreme Court, if necessary"

   Being a politician is a lot like being a hooker. You can't be one unless you can pretend to like people while you're screwing them....

   ..... cute, funny, and irresistable... enough about me,tell me about you?

   A parent's only as good as their dumbest kid. If one wins a Nobel Prize but the other gets robbed by a hooker, you failed....

   Does anyone have a good marinade recipe for dolphin?

   kinda paranoid knowing that "therapist" looks exactly like "the rapist"

   Likes to dress like a gangster, drop my pants low, throw the ray bans on, have my face screw, and sing the hyms of the church while walking past ppl in grocery stores jut to freak ppl out kml

   He's dead... But look! Hundreds of bright copper kettles, warm woolen mittens, brown paper packages tied up in string! Someone was after a few of this guy's favorite things.

   There's nary an animal alive that can outrun a greased Scotsman. - Groundskeeper Willie

   Warning: Spelling errors in this message are the product of a poor school system. Pay teachures more than athletes.

   The opinions expressed here are not those of my employer, my wife, my church, or myself... But they are the opinions of Elvis as revealed to me through the medium of my pet hamster, Lee Harvey Oswald...

   The Frog... "Time's fun when you're having flies."

   I would like everyone to know I am almost completely rehabilitated from picking my nose while driving. :)

   Elvis has left the building.

   just watched 'The Wall' DVD while listening to a Pink Floyd album. If they are started in just the right sequence, the album synchronizes exactly with the movie. The words of the songs almost seem to be coming from the mouths of the actors. Really freaky!

   Sex is like the Star Wars trilogy... there's an invasion, penetration, an explosion and in the end everyone's happy.