Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Today is National Unfriend Day... but what if mother won't let me unfriend?

   Time to go give my sheets some a$$ and pillow some head...

   made entirely of flaws but stitched together with good intentions.

   In line at walmart. The lady in front of me had a lawn chair, a can of beans and a box of that summers eve douche rinse. I'm afraid to imagine what her weekend might consist of

   thinking the TSA needs to add a smoking section at security checkpoints I need a smoke after that "pat down"!

   you can have my FourLoko when you pry it from my cold, dead drunk hands...

   Milestone Alert: This is my 100th Post From a toilet....I'd like to thank the fine people from Mcdonalds for making this post possible!!!

   Alright so I ended up taking part in national unfriend day... it's going to be awkward telling my cat he is no longer my friend.

   Living in Orlando makes me feel like I'm in a foreign country....which is PERFECT for Thanksgiving!!!

   By definition, shouldn't the word "unique" have zero synonyms in a thesaurus?

   Girl: You have a big stomach, you cant even see your own feet! GUY: I let it get big like this so I won't have to look at your face while you suck my D***!..

   you know you've been going to alot of bars lately when you walk into a local McDonald's to buy a burger and accidently hand the guy at the register you're I.D."

   says This Christmas, let's put misteltoe in our back pockets so all the people who hate us can kiss our..."

   today I saw a duck with a garbage bad around its neck, but instead of helping him, I sang the theme song for dark wing duck.

   thinks Katy Perry should be offered as a flavor at Baskin Robbins.

   knows that the bird is a word.

   this one's not funny, keep scrolling . . .

   you are not big boned, you are fat . . . Bones don't jiggle!

   Go Fish is more fun to play if you add "yourself" to the end of saying it.

   Well aren't you just a waste of 2 billion years of evolution?