Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Men are like a deck of cards. You need a heart to love them, a diamond to marry them, a club to bash his head in with... and a spade to bury him with.

   Heaven is where the police are British, the chefs are Italian, the mechanics are German, the Lovers are french and it is all organized by the Swiss. Hell is where the police are German, the chefs are British, the mechanics are French, the lovers are Swiss

   Sex is a sensation that starts with a temptation where a boy puts his location in a girls destination, to increase the population for the next generation. Does everyone get my explanation or do you all need a demonstration?

   The closest thing to failure is hope

   If a woman says she likes it she hates it, if she says she loves it she likes it, if she is speechless she loves it

   It's Topless Tuesday night! Woot!

   If I spent as many hours learning how to play guitar as I do on Facebook, I'd be a freakin' Jimi Hendrix

   The combination of wet-phlegm laryngitis and requesting Mucinex D from the pharmacist produced comedic results that cannot be cleanly reproduced on Facebook.

   Well... it finally happened. I got a notice that I am being sued by Metallica for $1.3M not paying for their music... I never pirated their music... but I never bought an album either, so I guess that's the complaint.

   It is not fastfood if you keep me waiting for 20 minutes for a damn burger!

   Dude, you're going bald. That ballcap and shoulder length hair don't hide the fact.

   I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-gf and me. After all, I'm a Gemini and she's a b*tch.

   I have to say here lately i've been very surprised that after clicking spell check I have no spelling errors...

   Trail mix should just sell M&M's

   My husband asked me if I wanted to play Call of Duty the other day. When I said yes, he handed me a tub of cleaning supplies.

   Q: Are you tired of this sillyass Q & A game everyone is doing? A: Yes I wish that they would $hit and fall back in it.

   She goes down more than a submarine commander.

   A grown man making snow angels in the yard shouldn't be so strange...dressed in a clown suit playing the bagpipes sure as hell made it weird.

   Been thinking of things I could do today, leaning towards going to Victoria's Secret and looking around.

   has a new slogan for TSA: Can't see London, can't see France, unless we see your underpants!!!