Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I might be the worst car passenger ever, but that's mostly because I'm a better driver than you and everyone else, so I can't help that.

   beauty is power, and a smile is its' sword.

   ...baby, if you were a sandwich at McDonald's, you'd be the McGorgeous!

   enough about what's on my mind, what's on yours?

   I hate when I get some Taco Bell and somebody tells me that Taco Bell isn't "real" Mexican food. I didn't get Taco Bell because I wanted authentic Mexican cuisine. I got Taco Bell because I'm poor and I like Chalupas.

   Dont send me no questions to my inbox...Cuz I aint answering them...I aint yo Magic 8-ball...

   If I had a million dollars, I'd buy a brewery, and turn the planet into alcoholics

   it just me or do TSA Agents remind you of Far Side characters?

   I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.

   Try Jesus. If you don't like Him, the devil will always take you back.

   I used to care but now I take a pill for that...

   Don't marry a woman with big hands. It makes your d**k look small.

   Beware the lollipop of mediocrity. Lick once and suck forever.

   Suicide hotline, please hold....

   - When Stephen Hawking has sex does he use Condoms or Norton Anti Virus?

   Well at least he was voted most popular kid in high school that rode the short bus because he could buy beer legally without needing a fake ID.

   Shut up, you'll never be the man your mother is

   I had a recurring dream once !

   When I was younger I would make funny faces in the mirror. Now that I'm older the mirror is getting even! I hate that mirror!!!

   MONDAYS ARE FOR MASOCHISTS. It's bleak and raining and there's not one dang cookie in the house.