Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just gave my cat a bath, she actually enjoyed it. it wasn't fun for me though, the fur kept sticking to my tongue

   the awkward moment when you get in the van and the old man doesnt have any candy.....

   seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.

   Nothing is more irritating than someone that updates there status every two minutes.

   really misses Tiger Woods Gatorade. But the John Daly Gatorade is pretty good, too (it has vodka in it)

   Poker face? Yeah I would and then some.

   stands mighty in an elite group, Procrastinators! The leaders of tomorrow

   ...so you're talking and you feel like no one's listening at all? rip off a good loud fart. that'll get everybody's attention!

   before lady Di, I never heard of Paparazzi.., I thought it was a circus act or something

   kiss my asprin

   why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying? for the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

   what happens when you spill carpet cleaner?

   You know....spooning leads to forking right?

   Mark Zuckerberg really controls all of our lives, at any moment he could decide to take Facebook offline.

   I wonder how we know to eat eggs,did someone say"see that chicken over there, I'm goin eat the 1st thing that comes outta its butt"

   You have not truly experienced ALL of Gods blessings until you have been on both sides of giving and receiving.

   HAPPY CHILDRENS DAY :)

   making sentences with the words liver and cheese... liver alone cheese mine!

   wondering why Miss Piggy always chased after Kermit the Frog, he's green and slimy and will probably give her warts!

   would really appreciate an Aussie Kiss right about now...Yep! Down Under!