Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The only thing scarier than Christine O'Donell is the thought her being in office and in charge of the nuclear codes.

   been bitten by a spider... and now waiting to become Spider Man...! :-)

   Global warming is like Goldilocks and the weather is like porridge.

   wants less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done.

   im not procrastinating, I just dont want to fing do it!!!

   can't get with this day light savings, I'm moving to Hawaii.

   thinks it's funny that the Carnival cruise ship passengers were complaining about having no showers and eating nothing but Spam and Pop-Tarts. Right now thousands of male computer science majors are trying to find out how to sign up for the next cruise.

   Had sardines and cabbage last night... my gas was so bad my boys literally passed out and encountered minor memory loss and a slight bit of hallucination...But all is good cuz my momma always taught me to share

   Mom always said "If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it's yours.." THANK YOU FRIDAY!!, I Love You, too!!!! I've always loved you. You and I are belong together! This is wonderful! We shall celebrate your return!!

   Anyone can have knowledge, however it is only through age that you develop wisdom.

   Miami Heat Fan: "You wait, you watch and see next season we're gonna do this we're gonna do that" ...... Still Waiting lmao! Clevelands just as good without Lebron

   happy P.O.E.T.S. Day, everyone! Piss On Everything Tommrows Saturday.

   After watching the iRenew infomercial about 800 times, I finally bought it because it helps promote “Balance.” Well guess what? It didn't help with last night's sobriety test!

   wondering why Facebook bothers to give the option of "liking" my own comment? Of course I like my own comments. I'm awesome.

   wondering if you have multiple personalities and threaten to kill yourself, is it considered a hostage situation?

   Every morning after my coffee I use the skills I learned while taking Lamaze classes: Breathing techniques, and timing the contractions.  

   new twinkie diet???? I been on that one since I was 5 yrs old!

   got pulled over and was told by the officer to walk the white line; I told "not without a net"

   went to Wal-Mart this afternoon and discovered that some people think Febreeze is a substitution for doing laundry.

   at this moment in time I could really punch someone in the face