Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What do you call a pig with 3 eyes...??? A Piiig!...Stupid yes, but you know you'll tell it.

   I'm not a tease. I just sobered up thats all.

   heard that the new George W Bush book is a pop-up picture book. At first I laughed, then I realized it made perfect sense. My professors always taught me "write for your audience". So kudos Gdub. Mission accomplished...

   Oh yes Gwyneth Paltrow, you are so very country strong. I guess being born in LA, going to private school NYC and attending college in Santa Barbara really prepared ya.

   And ps... you should'nt sing a song with an "s" in the title if you have a lithp!

   ok, so what do you call a fish with no eyes? a fsh!

   Ur mama is so ugly when she walks past the bathroom the toilet flushes itself.

   I have a small request to make to you. Can I borrow your face for a few days? My ass is going on a holiday.

   She doesn't trust him an inch. If she doesn't find any strange hairs on his jackets she just accuses him of having an affair with a bald woman.

   has a feeling that the so-called "Highway To Hell" looks just like a Wal-Mart parking lot

   it possible to be still tasting Jager from last night? Somebody call an Excorsist. Blah!

   I'd be a millionaire if I could buy him for what I think of him and sell him for what he thinks of himself.

   not here right now. if you'd like to reach me on my cell phone, please buy me a cell phone.

   When the patient was asked if he had had a good night he answered that he'd slept as soundly as the nurse on night duty.

   Aren't you ever tired of having yourself around??

   you should probably just let your "Honor Student" drive. You are obviously an idiot.

   A happy ending is only an asian massage parlor away.

   This may look easy to you, but I assure you your mother is even easier.

   Some advice guys: If your girlfriend is working out in your living room apartment, & there's a knock at the door from the tenant beneath you asking if there's live animals in the apartment, answering "pretty much" isn't such a good idea.

   That's a low blow - and talking of low blows, how's your mother?