Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that I'm typing this with my middle finger . . .

   if I ever wake up in a room full of people and a tape recorder that says, "Hello, I want to play a game," I'm going to be so mad!

   The kids next door challenged me to a water fight . . . I'm just poisting this while I wait for the kettle to boil

   My Nan has found a lump in each of her breasts. Turns out it was just her knees.

   when I was your age I lost my tooth, not my virginity

   Your bumper sticker claiming, "My Chocolate Lab is smarter than your Honor Student" appears to be false. I've never seen an Honor Student jump from an open car window and chase a squirrel through a busy intersection.

   I wish cleaning the house was as easy as cleaning out my email.

   Obama: "We Must Punish Our Enemies" American Teabaggers and GOP candidates are enemies of the Latino people??? This DUDE is the Anti Christ.......

   ‎"POOF" did you see that?? No you didn't did you?? "MAGIC" that's why!!!

   myspace, then facebook, then twitter. Next? mylifetotallyexposed . com

   being a politician is like being a hooker. You can't be one unless you can pretend to like people while you're f'ing them."

   a snuggie made out of shamwow material.

   I'm ok with my masculinity, enough to eat a Blow Pop in public. But I won't swallow the gum.

   Don't worry about life, you're not going to survive it anyway.

   Life is the art of drawing without an eraser.

   Attack life, it's going to kill you anyway

   Seriously someone has to teach Cupid how to shoot straight

   The funniest thing I've ever discovered. Go to Google Maps, then click get directions in the top left corner. Start in Japan and make your destination China. Look at direction number 43.

   Just for laughs I typed 'crazy beotch' into my gps and it gave me directions to my exes house!

   Back in my day there were only 151 Pokémon...