Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The smallest woman can break the biggest man in the world with three little words: Is it in?

   Instead of RIP, do Hindus put BRB on their gravestones?

   catching flies and turning them into crawls

   wants to merge MySpace, Facebook, YouTube and Twitter and call it: MY FACE YOU TWIT

   was going to go to Walmart today but my tie dyed t-shirt and my sweatpants with whole in the arse of em were in the wash, besides , I had a haircut yesteday and it's neat and tidy , I just wouldn't have fit in

   WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING FOR?, MC-SEABASS? IT'S THE MCDONALD'S MENU, IT'S BEEN THE SAME FOR TWENTY YEARS! IT'S ALL MCCRAP! JUST ORDER!

   ...thinks animal testing is a terrible idea. they get all nervous and give the wrong answers anyway

   has a dog with no legs named Cigarette. Everyday I put on his leash and take him out for a drag.

   ATTENTION: Those of you who are posting pictures on fb that are sideways, there are 2 arrows on the bottom right hand side of the photo. I don't care which one you pick just pick one & Keep clicking it until it's right side up...my neck is starting to h

   I passed a Deloreon the other day. I thought... ‎1985 had Ronald Reagan, Rambo, rubics cube, mullets and Bon Jovi. Why would anyone time travel 2010? Obama, Justin Bieber, and Glee are enough reasons to try a different decade.

   secretly replaced the Parmesan cheese shaker with a used Pedi-Egg.... will her guests be able to tell the difference?

   out tonight, because the Beastie Boys fought, and possibly died, for my right to paaarty....

   In the chemistry lab, proving that ugliness is more than skin deep...

   Hey punk with the old run-down beefed up car with the spoiler that's WAY too big....when you decide to pass me on the right to beat me to the stop light, don't be surprised when I make you work for it....

   wonders should we REALLY put labels on paint cans warning people that eating it could kill them? I mean, should we TRY to save anyone who would make a conscious decision to eat paint?

   I'm thankful that baby teeth are the only things that kids lose while growing up. Imagine the trauma of a nose falling off. Or a leg. "Why's your daughter hopping around like that?" "Oh, she just lost her baby leg last night...."

   Pro Tip# 101: If someone asks you if you "have a sec" and you answer "I have lots of secs", they will almost always forget their original question...

   the kids next door have challenged me to a water fight... I'm just updating my status while I wait for the kettle to boil....

   ‎"Hi, Welcome to Abercrombie. Our sizes are; Small, X Small, Anorexic, Bulemic, and Malnourished...."

   thinks that just once I'd like to see a realistic tampon commercial, an actress sobbing herself to sleep with a half-chewed Snickers in her mouth.