Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "rages against the machine" but it's usually a fax machine or printer.

   In the end people always turn into the person they promised never to be"

   Ladies, best thing you can do before and after your pregnant....take some pics of yourself while your boobs are enhanced. :D Sincerely: Men who like boobs.

   Nothing worse then the awkward stance when you're being sung happy birthday to.

   Signs you're getting old. Trying to save something on your computer and you can't remember where you put the floppy disks.

   <Rages against the vending machine

   a fart is merely the cry of an imprisoned turd

   You know you're getting old when one of the Goonies is now playing a grandmother in a TV comedy.

   The lies....the deceit...the broken promises....These movies on Lifetime really bug me...Hey wait....My bad...It's a political commercial!!!!!

   If you "think" you caught me scratching my nuts, you just missed it when I said "I don't give a f*** who sees me"

   Some kids were dropped as a baby ... you were clearly thrown in the air, smacked by a ceiling fan, hitting the wall, and tossed out the window..

   BREAKING: "Hey, Where Is Everybody?" Says Chilean Miner No. 34

   In honor of Christine O'Donnell, I am designating November as Lack of Awareness Awareness Month.

   There are two types of people in the world - those who have had Dinty Moore's Beef Stew and those who have not.

   Laying on my TV watching the couch. I needed to switch things up a bit.

   It's better to give than to receive... especially in prison.

   Only you old school pervs will get this one: BOB GUCCIONE'S TOMBSTONE: Here Lies "Name Held Upon Request" 1930-2010

   I accidentally spilled Spot Remover on my dog... now he's gone :)

   between the soccer team that crashed in the Andes and those 33 miners, Chile has a very good record of disasters with happy endings...

   c[_] <- this a cup of HTFU. drink it and get on with it