Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Mean people suck. Nice people swallow. Great people do BOTH. ;)

   Remember, we're not here for a long time, we're here for a GOOD TIME!!!

   bored of poking, can we have a spank button??

   Do sheep get heavy in the rain??

   Did you know that you can't hum with ur nose plugged??

   I wish the ATM machine would spit me out an extra 20 just one damn time!!

   Wonders why eleven isn't just onety-one...

   Have you ever looked at the last few loads of dirty laundry and considered just throwing them away??

   as confused as a chameleon in a bag of skittles.

   Might get my balls botoxed today.

   Was asked if I really believe in zombies. I informed him that no, zombies are not real and that its just a pop culture thing. He then walked away pleased with answer I had given him. Now I can't wait to see the look on his face when the next zombie outbre

   "Now, how's he gonna read that magazine all rolled up like that?"... thought the spider.

   Don't worry about what other people think because they rarely ever do.

   Bought a pair of pajamas with pockets. Thank God, cause she use to have hold everything while she slept.

   i have no problem sacrificing for friends......... but it is hard to find a virgin and suitable altar

   One reason I hate politics is because of all the junk mail you get these days about one worthless candidate bashing the next about what a terrible job they are/would be doing. Personally I think they all suck. My name is John and I approve this message.

   Who says Obama's $870 Billion stimulus isn't creating job? About 50 house Republicans are gonna get a job because of it.

   what is 69 + 1? A threesome..

   it takes six licks to get to the center of a tootsie roll tootsie pop! (with a slight crunch)

   thinking some people are waste of space, and wonder why you even got them as friends on ur fb??!