Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Today doesn't have that new day smell.

   I confine my exercise to jumping to conclusions, stretching the truth and pushing my luck.

   Woke up this morning to bacon frying on the grill, eggs cooking on the stove, biscuts in the oven, and a fresh pot of coffee :) Todays gonnah be good.

   Monday?! But, I wasn't even finished with Saturday yet.

   Still trying to figure out who defriended me...

   if you want to fight with you wife/husband, replace Oxygen with Helium and try to keep a straight face...

   Marriage is an institution. You also have to be committed to it. If that doesn't sound like a nuthouse I don't know what does.

   feels like LIFESAVERS candy is overstating their importance.

   what is the difference between a rooster and a $lut? one goes c0ck a doodle doo and the other one goes, "any c0ck'll do"

   That didn't take long: one of the Chilean miners is already cheating on Jennifer Aniston.

   I wonder if those friends in low places have heard from Garth Brooks recently.

   If you ever see me drinking a Bud Light Lime, I have been kidnapped and am trying to signal you.

   People joke about Bieber Fever. Don't.. Sigourney Weaver Fever killed my grandfather.

   Skipping the new Jackass movie - already saw Christine O'Donnell debate this week.

   Wanted: 1985 delorean with flux capasitor time travil package with 1 shot of plutonium. serious sellers only price not a issue!!

   Well The Good News Is, I Came Out Of The Closet, The Bad News...I'm Gay.

   FACT : sharks will only attack you if you are wet

   Walked into the bank today and asked the teller if she could check my balance… She leaned over and pushed me.

   free: Pmsing wife comes with big bag of Skittles,

   believes the rooster came first.