Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why does the disclaimer narrater for prescription drugs always sound so happy about all the side effects?

   Some people just don't know how to drive... I call these people, "Everybody But Me."

   I just read a Facebook status update that was so confusing, I had no idea what they meant. Then I realized it was mine.

   When I'm dead, these Facebook status updates will be worth twice as much.

   Fools rush in... and get the best seats in the house.

   I'm so mean, I make my fish watch me eat pizza. And don't offer any.

   " For It was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul. It was not my hand you held but my love. "

   And on the final day God said ..." Let there be football!"

   We childproofed our homes but they are still getting in.

   Oh sh*t, my computer uses U.S. English. I wanted to 'save' the document but accidentally blew it up.

   I'm Dyslexic when I hate it

   Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.

   illegal touching, number 7 Offense.

   's son has been looking for his Nintendo DS for the last month.Last night we found it in the bushes in front of the house.Kids: you can't live with 'em, you can't beat them over the head with their neglected portable gaming systems to teach them a lesson.

   I think I see a light at the end of the tunnel...Just hopeing it's my friends with a 2 million watt spotlight and not a train....

   wondering why Texas is flying it's flag all over the country of Chili?

   : Snowwhite sleeps with 7 men, Tarzan is half naked, Cinderella comes home after midnight, Pinocchio always lies, Aladin is the king of thieves, Batman drives 200 mph, That's what they teach us as kids... no wonder we f*ck up sometimes....

   The bigger they are, the harder they hit.

   It's always awkward when you run into your ex with a car.

   I raised an eyebrow once. He's an adult now, and he never calls or visits.