Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You can tell the quality of a person by how they treat people they don't need.

   Fortune Cookie: "Your life will be happy and peaceful." Dear Cookie: What drugs are you on? We should share.

   The road to truth is long, and lined the entire way with annoying ba$stards.

   All I want for Christmas, is to keep the things I've got.

   Today's word of advice: Never take a muscle relaxer if you've got the trots.

   The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was the genius. ;)

   Think I got my Halloween costume.... SNOOKIE! I'll wear clothes 5 sizes too small, paint my body Umpa Loompa Orange, walk around half naked, drunk and screaming "Do you know who I am?!? I'm Snookie Biotch!"

   Dear freezer, I get so hard for you. Sincerely Water.

   I am Captain Organised..Unlike Batman Superman and Spiderman my underpants are on the inside..

   every woman's pet and every man's regret.

   You're saying I'm immature. Well, you're immature times infinity.

   real soon i'll need a better excuse than "sorry i'm trapped in the chilean mines right now"...

   Ya win some, ya loose some.. But nothing is better than getting some!

   You have to feel sorry for the Mother's of the Chilean miners. The waiting, the pain, seeing their kids come out slowly from a small dark hole. It's like child birth all over again

   Have 33 men you need pulled out of a deep, dark hole? Call Kim Kardashian's gynecologist.

   When the world gives you lemons, make orange juice. Then sit back and watch the world wonder how you did it.

   A pack of weed- 30 bucks, rollin paper 2 bucks, n the joy after smoking it priceless

   I hate how mainstream and famous the miners have become. I liked it when they were a bit more underground.

   never knew they mined for chili. You learn something new every day.

   Well today was a total waste of makeup.