Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't think Oprah has driven herself anywhere in the last 25 years. Her don't text and drive advice is like her giving marriage or parenting tips.

   Having it all together is not my style.

   I didn't go see the Social Network because I was worried I'd run into people from high school that I don't remember or didn't like.

   Those who complain the most accomplish the least.

   You will never understand people, just understand that.

   On Columbus Day, we celebrate the discovery of places that have already been happily occupied for years.

   Michelle Obama has been picked as the world's most powerful woman by Forbes. Coming in a close second place:............. Justin Bieber.

   Today needs an eject button.

   Two blondes were driving to Disneyland and the exit sign reads: DISNEYLAND LEFT. They started crying...

   In preparation for 2012, I am building an Ark. I am going to to need two of everything, Two Blonds, Two Brunettes and Two Redheads.

   Monopoly pieces make McDonalds food taste so much better!!!

   ‎"A man on a date wonders if he'll get lucky. The woman already knows."

   is a straight ally and today is National Coming Out Day. I'm coming out for lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender equality because it's 2010 and almost 90% of LGBT youth experience harassment in school, and too many lives have been lost.

   In preparation for the end of the world in 2012, I am building an Ark. I am going to to need two of everything, Two Blonds, Two Brunettes and Two Redheads.

   Wait, you're telling me that if I kill off and entire culture and take credit for discovering a land I in no way discovered,I'll get a random Monday in October off from work? Only in America!..... Happy Columbus day!!

   Problems are only really ever a problem when you let them become that way . Keep it simple !!

   anything more annoying then a stupid person who clearly doesn't know they are stupid!?

   For those of you who like to STIR THE POT..be sure you get a good grip on the handle!!

   Was playing air guitar and ripped her spandex while doing a mock stage dive off the sofa!!

   I am sorry we fought. I hate it when you're wrong.