Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I sometimes go to my own little world, but that's okay, they know me there.

   If a person smiles all the time, they're probably selling something that doesn't work.

   "Don't Give a Crap Day" is tomorrow. But nobody gives a crap so there aren't any cards.

   If at first you DO succeed, someone's probably going to think you cheated.

   donating money to various GAY FRIENDLY groups in the name of the Westboro Baptist church.

   frolicking in the meadow over yonder.

   The lies pornos tell...smh...Not every woman would f*ck some random guy at the door with a "special" package!!...and why doesnt he have shirt on??

   It's time to give up jogging for your health when your thighs keep rubbing together and starting your pants on fire.

   I read some article which said that the symptoms of stress are impulse buying, eating too much and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That's what I call a perfect day.

   Saw someone dressed in Darth Vader garb driving an old Honda Civic today. Apparently the recession has touched all corners of the universe.

   - The biggest Lie Ever: "I have read the Terms and Conditions".

   Headed to Lowe's. After what I just did in the bathroom, it's best we just build another one.

   Ah Man! Nothing worse than seeing two flies fornicating on your fresh off the grill, 12 dollar ribeye steak.....Appetite gone.

   My girlfriend talks faster than the speed of sound. This explains why I never hear her.

   They're going to be so pissed off in Chile when they get down the mine and only find Bart Simpson's walkie-talkie

   you cant enjoy a fight without a foam finger.. .

   Why won't facebook let me change my relationship status to "in an imaginary relationship with Milla Jovovich"?

   how come Cheryl Cole is still using Ashley Coles last nite ,,,,what wrong with tweedy?

   feeding the cat extenze..

   What to do for Halloween!!! Dress up like Taylor Swift and B**** Slap Kanye