Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   sometimes, you forgive people simply because you still want them in your life.

   Turns out cloud 10 is actually the accumulated farts of everyone on cloud 9.

   If my MTV carreer doesn't work out I think i'm goin to buy a gun.. and sell crack. I'll be a friendly crack dealer though, nothing too formal. I'll just be like 'what's up, want some crack?'

   prediction: yankees will win 28th world series

   I hate to brag, but it's the most effortless way to enlighten people about my magnificence.

   comes here for status updates because he doesn't have sick children, could care less about the weather, and already knows what day of the week it is.

   They didn't break the mold after me, they just chained it up.

   taking joy in the fact that his ex girlfriend just got married and that her first name combined with her new last name results in a really funny name that others will ve sure to make fun of.

   I must have catnip in my pants tonight because all the pussie is trying to get in them.

   some people are as useless as rubber lips on a woodpecker!

   if you don't quit your crying and complaining in your status updates, I'll give you something to really cry and complain about! Like posting that photo of you I lied about deleting for example.

   If you all know where you keep it, why are we always looking for the damn thing..

   needs a warm fireplace for my morningwood.

   was riding the escalator the other day, and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half..

   I hate being bipolar... It's awsome!

   wish my boobs wouldn't slap my face while I run.

   If us guys show support for Breast Cancer Awareness... How are the girls gonna should show support for the our Testicular Cancer Awareness month!

   going steal your CAPS lock & shift key if you don't stope YELLING...or unfriend you

   bankruptcy spelled with one "oh sh*t" or two?

   I don't eat nuts at the bar. But I like to run my fingers through them and lick the salt off.