Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's alright, he's only choking!

   Now lookie here, you big, orange, Moby D*ck!

   If I were you, I'd get a red nose and some big shoes and call it a day.

   Why don't YOU watch where I'm going?

   Please do not shoot the pianist. He is doing his best.

   It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.

   We No Speak Americano, we speak Canadiano

   Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

   Why don't you slip into something more comfortable? Like a coma.

   I left my cross-eyed girlfriend today. The b*tch was seeing someone else.

   I know there are boy ladybugs, but what do you call them?

   Why Is It That People Always Point At Their Wrists When Asking For The Time? Do They Think I Don't Know Where My Watch Is?

   The Only Gracious Way To Accept An Insult Is To Ignore It. If You Can't Ignore It, Top It. If You Can't Top It, Laugh At It. If You Can't Laugh At It, It's Probably Deserved. ;)

   "In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?"

   No word in the English language rhymes with month.

   Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.

   Teamwork is essential - it allows you to blame someone else.

   you never really realise how sexy a nerd, dork or tomboy can be until you see them in a Halloween Costume.."

   I didn't lose my keys this time, I lost the whole d*mn car!

   Don't make the same mistake your parents did...Use birth control! ;)