Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I know how the saying goes....no pain, no gain. But my philosophy is no pain, no pain!

   I hope whilst they are recalling all these BMW's for faulty brakes, they fix their indicators cause I havnt found a BMW working indicator when i'm on the road B***std's

   a cop owning a doughnut shop, it makes perfect sense, cut out the middle man...

   You know your relationship is in trouble when she loads her vibrator with batteries from the TV remote, alarm clock and your pacemaker.

   if your'e on top of the world, it tuns around every 24 hours.

   I try to misbehave appropriately.

   Don't you hate that when it rains people who has an umbrella keep walking underneath the awnings, and let people who doesn't have one get wet? Ugh! I just want to grab the umbrella and put a hole in it!!

   The future isn't what it used to be...

   Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.

   Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

   apprantly I told my dog to go to his room until he was ready to talk, thats how drunk I was.

   A vasectomy means never having to say you're sorry.

   Just because you're not paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you.

   The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

   I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

   I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth. ;)

   If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to serve as a horrible warning.

   I have a computer, a vibrator and pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house?

   How do I set the laser printer to stun?

   Unless you want to f*ck me, why do you care what I look like?