Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Blame someone else and get on with your life.

   YAY! I just won Australia's Next Top Model.... no wait, they was a mistake? How could this happen?

   life is such a fkn rollercoaster then it drops, but what should I scream for? this is my theme park. my mind shine even when my thoughts seem dark.

   wishes you were an Etch and Sketch. I'd shake the sh!t out of you and watch you disappear.

   wonders if birds have a national MAYDAY sytem in place when they know their going to crash?!?!

   <---------------------was dumped on Facebook!

   wishes McDonalds delivered!

   finds it helpful to organize chores into categories: Things I won't Do Now, Things I Won't Do Later, and Things I'll Never Do.

   I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF

   A baby first laughs at the age of four weeks. By that time his eyes focus well enough to see you clearly.

   the walls have eyes...

   KARMA: Smackdown of the Gods!

   I got a flu shot for $24 from Target However, I declined the offer of a $50 colonoscopy in the men's room.

   cocaine: is actually a rich man's aspirin

   Going to hang out at Wal-Mart for a bit so I can feel better about myself.

   I was shopping online and saw a horse that I rather liked. So I clicked "Add to cart."

   Studies show it's okay for me to simply say "studies show" in front of anything and it becomes accepted as fact.

   has anyone seen ___________? He heard "Its Raining Men" on the radio and he ran outside with a huge grin on his face.

   making underwater sculputures of his boss.....oh look, some sinkers some floaters!

   If it wasn't for the fact that I had to pee, I'd never get out of bed