Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Scrw you recommended serving size. You don't know me.

   Why would you want a camera on the iPad? That's like taking pictures with a clipboard!

   The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.

   "It's impossible," said pride. "It's risky," said experience. "It's pointless," said reason. "Give it a try," whispered the heart.

   Why when I go into a gym all the big girls look at me and think why is she here.... I look at them and think "Im glad I'm here now," maybe you should have been in here earlier in life and you'd be on my side...

   There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note, "Don't eat me." Now there's an empty plate and a note, "Don't tell me what to do."

   A trip to Walmart at 3am has now convinced that the next zombie outbreak will happen. I have seen carriers of the virus but they look to have some immunity. They look and smell like the living dead but they are still very much alive.

   I'm tired of waiting to drive a flying car!

   "911, what's your emergency?" - "Quick, my dreams are dying!"

   If you think about it, puff puff pass is just like the grown up version of duck duck goose.

   If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.

   I like really dark movie theatres. That way, I don't have to buy my own popcorn.

   I want a doorbell that makes the sound of someone knocking on the door.

   going to hide were even Dora cant find me

   Dear twilight fans : Please realise that cause Vampires are dead, and have no blood pumpin through them, they can never get an erection ! Enjoy fantasizing about that !!

   They say spiders, bears and snakes are as scared of us as we are of them. They have an advantage over people, though. They're probably pretty damned sure people aren't going to bite them.

   Don't say "Can I be honest with you?" an hour into the conversation. It leads me to believe you've been lying up until now.

   There are 2 versions of being broke... A guy version and a girl version. Girl version: They can still get their hair and nails done. Guy version: We will be looking like a gorilla and eating from the dollar menu until next pay period.

   Ever wonder what your face is doing when you aren't paying attention?

   I was walking down the street when this man hammering on his roof called me a paranoid little freak... in Morse code. I'm pretty sure that is what he was hammering. Another neighbor smiled and waved to me in a ploy to throw me off about the hammer signals