Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Getting old is like a haunted house. There are sounds and smells that can't be explained

   Communication during sex is like scratching someone's elses back, its not a insult to your ability if they say "little to the left and harder!" to get that spot.

   I never knew what a sweet dream was.... Until I fell asleep thinking about you...”

   These internet scams must make it difficult for legitimate Nigerian royalty to share huge sums of money with strangers...

   No matter how little I do in a day....I always feel like I could have done less.

   I pay a lot of money to get that vanilla/coco butter smell in my car. I want hookers to feel welcome, not like they're stepping into a death trap.

   If I ever reach a point where the best part of waking up is foldgers in my cup....... I'm not sure I wana wake up

   This is some bullish!t. My leg fell asleep before me... :(

   modest and proud of it.

   Every hard boiled egg is yellow inside.

   Katy Perry's cleavage too much for Sesame Street "HELLO" Elmo is naked

   Kid, you tried your best, and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

   When you're crying & someone asks you if you're sad, punch them in the face and ask them if they're ok?

   I hope that after I die, people will say of me: 'That guy owed me a lot of money!'

   "More fun than a barrel of monkeys." Okay has anyone ever stopped to think how pissed of, if not downright vicious, a barrelful of monkeys would be once released from the barrel?

   god I was so late for work today that I was almost early for my next shift

   salutes Dr. Seuss, who died today in 1991. Cats in hats, green eggs, Whoville? Thanks for the inspiration to take drugs!

   just read an ad in the paper about " free to good home, Hampster, slightly used." whats that all about?

   You aren't the first woman to have a baby so EVERY status update doesn't have to mention what the baby did, ate or is wearing!!!

   Statistics show that plus size women are worth $10 billion to the fashion industry...ha ha that's nothing compared to what they're worth to the food industry!