Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "I see!" says the blind man, as he pisses in the fan, "It all comes back to me now..."

   You don't have to swim faster than the shark, just faster than the guy next to you.

   Everything I ever needed to know I learned by killing smart people and eating their brains.

   a wise monkey never monkeys with another monkeys monkey

   Beware of those people who never post any statuses!...Come on now, we all know you're not JUST on fb to play the games, after all that's what a good ole game of solitaire is for.

   what do a shingle and a fat girl have in common?.......98% chance will be nailed by a mexican.

   if I felt anymore like crap, I'm sure I'd be sitting in a toilet getting ready to be flushed away.

   If brains were money you'd have to take out a loan to buy a cup of coffee

   Why are some parents hypocritical..."don't lie to me or I'll tell SAnta on you"

   wants to play basketball with the president and dunk on his delegates.

   heard that Thailand has the highest rate of prostitution in the world, but again what dyu expect from a country whose name is "THAI-land", with a capital city named "BANG-KOK" and a tourist destination called "PHUK-ET"!!!

   meeting you was fate, becoming your friend was a choice but falling in love with you I had no control over

   with the way kids are so HYPER these days, I probably wouldn't have enough patience to be a Kindergarten Teacher...we'd have to play games like DUCT, DUCT, TAPE!

   noticed that ever since Susan Boyle confessed her virginity to the world, the Taliban and Al Qaeda have cut back on suicide bombing, knowing now what lies ahead for them.

   some people are so stupid, if their brain was chocolate it wouldn't fill an M&M

   You can't get on your feet until you get off your ass.

   Don't drink and park. Accidents cause people.

   the difference between a paycheck and a blowj** is you don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck

   Dear person sitting next to me in the stall... I can hear you playing a video game on your Blackberry and it's annoying the crap out of me. Well done!

   zombie proofing the house today.