Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   busy trying to back up his hard drive but is having a difficult time figuring how to shift it in reverse.

   I knew Brett Favre was in for a long year when he threw that interception in the Wrangler commercial.

   My kid has A.D.D. and a couple of F's.

   Finally they managed to fix the oil leak and I haven't heard of Justin Bieber lately. Are you thinking what I'am thinking?

   I'm hung like Einstein and smart as a horse.

   ‎"You see football takes concentration and skill....SQUIRREL!!!!" - Wade Phillips/NFL Head Coach

   Its National Regret-Your-TATTOO DAY. (Not really but it cant be too far off)

   insert your current location, relationship problems, results of last doctors visit, what you had for lunch, how much you hate working on certain days of the week, and any other trivial details of your life here _______________________

   One of the great mysteries to me is the fact that us women can pour hot wax on our legs, rip the hair out by the roots, and still be afraid of a spider.

   apparently is not working fast enough today...the boss just walked by and said the last job I did was half-fast...

   Profanity is most useful when you need to hide your inability to recall the right word in a heated moment.

   I'd rather have my arms fall off than make two trips carrying in groceries.

   Every time you fart as you're walking through first class getting on a plane, Jesus high-fives your grandmother.

   I definitely thought we'd have some futuristic Jetsons sh*t by now.

   I ordered the food, seatbelted the dog in the drivers seat and pushed the car up to the drive-thru window.

   I wish I had a room in my house that had zero gravity.

   having one of those days where I wanna set someones face on fire and try putting it out wit a fork

   I really wish sleep came in roll-over minutes.

   I don't know why people say something is better if you work for it. Personally, I love being handed awesome sh*t through no effort of my own.

   Blind hookers...ya gotta hand it to em!