Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you are late to special ed is it proper for the teacher to say that you are tardy?

   If you had sex for 365 days, kept all the condoms and made a tire out of it, what would you call it? A F*CKING GOODYEAR!

   ARE you AS BORED AS I AM? Read these words backwards and it still makes sense.

   When somebody flips you off, just stick up your whole hand and say, meet the family.

   What's the difference between complete and finished? When you have a beautiful girlfriend your life is complete, your wife finds out about it you're finished.

   and 17 other friends removed you from their friend list on Facebook.

   Got a problem with me? Solve it. Think I'm trippin'? Tie my shoe. Can't stand me? Sit down. Can't face me? Turn around and start walking!

   Dressing up for Halloween as a Kardashian. I'll be turning tricks for treats.

   His next day off the kids get to pick where we get to go.... Please pick the liquor store... Please pick the liquor store.

   I'm not sexist, I'm sexiest, and if I am sexist, then I'm the sexiest sexist.

   Sometimes I wonder... are Skittles really the color of the rainbow before you open the bag to sunlight?

   melts in your mouth, not in your hand. Well, I guess I COULD melt in your mouth but it'll cost extra.

   I don't have a lot of experience with vampires, but I have hunted werewolves. I shot one once, but by the time I got to it, it had turned back into my neighbor's dog.

   You're the girl. I'm the boy. You text me first or we don't talk today.”

   I like the facebook wall. It's urine free...

   Hey Monday!! /take That!!! ┌П┐(◕‿◕) ┌П┐

   Hi, it's me, Monday. I'm here to slap that silly grin off your stupid little pointed face.

   You look like the type of guy who enjoys a nice Fromunda Cheese sandwich.

   Your proctologist called. He found your head.

   There are three kinds of people in this world. Those who can count. And those who can't.