Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   : Jesus says to John, "Come forth and I shall give you eternal life"....John came in fifth...He won a toaster.

   i was trying to remember how to throw a boomerang and then it suddenly came back to me

   How the heck do you have 1,560 facebook friends? with 45 phone contacts? am I missing something here

   can wait for my high school reunion, he is going to be so mad I stole his girlfriend

   just taught my 4 year old son how to make stick people out of tampons

   Life isn't fair. Especially when I'm involved.

   People who hate hand gestures: I salute you.

   My girl can't hear loud noises when she sleeping, but when a ant tiptoes across the floor she jumps up like gunshot were fired

   I got My space and Facebook mixed up this weekend... I kept telling people come on My-Face!!!

   listening to her dishwasher washing, her clothes washer and dryer washing and drying, her air purifier purifying and thinking what an awesome multi-tasker I am.

   my daughter is 6 years old and she thinks she needs thinks a training bra...if you still draw outside the lines with your crayons I think you should wait baby...

   my Facebook password is your girlfriends name

   okay here it goes.. like this status.. and I'll drop kick you down some steps then stab you with a fork

   : now with 25% more vitamin C

   To the Gentlemen, I'm Miss Fortune. To the Ladies, I'm Sir Prize.

   Greek philosophers had some gangster names.

   Seriously considering quitting my job. The lack of cellphone service makes it incredibly hard to avoid working.

   You hate me? I didn't even know you existed.

   I thought they put covers on books SO I could judge them.

   Getting back with your ex is pretty much the same as taking a shower, getting out, and putting back on the same old dirty underwear.