Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't appreciate the 5 minute radio ads about how commercial-free the station is.

   Alternating between shots of tequila and espresso because I want to be an alert drunk tonight.

   Last night some girl told me she couldn't talk to me while I was texting. I told her "That's the point."

   It's impossible to drop something in your car and it not disappear between the seats.

   Nothing is more disturbing than sitting on a warm toilet seat.

   This girl has worse breath than my dog, and my dog can reach around and lick his own ass.

   You ever see a van so creepy it feels like the guy actually said "rape-van" when the car salesman asked him what he was looking for?

   Nothing's more chaotic than when the Task Manager freezes too.

   The pills I take to prevent hangovers never work, because they lure me into a false sense of security and I end up drinking more than modern science can handle.

   Noticed an ASPCA-sponsored bumper sticker shaped like a milk bone that said 'I sleep with dogs.' I thought it was pretty cute. Then the guy and his not-so-pretty wife got out of the truck. Oh the irony!

   Every Chinese buffet I have ever been to has had a huge selection of Jell-o. Do they know something about gelatin that I don't know?

   What I would do for two Saturdays...

   Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating? To stop the snoring before it starts.

   wondering who ever came up with the saying "taking candy from a baby" as being something easy. I don't think they have ever tried it. I would rather take a salmon from a grizzly.

   thinking...we would all be naked right now if it wasn't for that darn apple!

   Your Hope has been redistributed... Here's your Change.

   Michael Jackson gets to go to heaven because he was doing things the priest were doing.

   - Q: What did King Kong say to Rosie O'Donnell? A: "Is it in?"

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   thinks it would be cool if Oprah would give audience members a free Winnebago, a gift-card to Walmart, and a thong with an big "O" on it.